[Learch]

Just thought of this one while looking at my cooler ...

What is the difference between a Yeti Cooler and a Female Yeti Ark guide?



The Grizzly Bear has learned he doesn't get anything when he fucks with a Yeti Cooler.

First one that made me laugh out loud

 

[joey11]

Raft Guide Jokes - YouTube

Haha she tells jokes just about as good as she J strokes!

 

[Jjahn8]

Why are hurricanes always named after women...

Because when they show up they're wet and wild and when they leave they usually take your car and your house.

 

[DoubleYouEss]

Now as you read this you should use a South Carolina or Georgia female accent for anything in quotations.


Three southern belles; Bobby Sue, Sarah May and Betty Lou, are sitting on the veranda of one of there mansions talking about what ther husbands did for them over the summer.

Bobby Sue tells the girls, "On our summer vacation, my husband took me to Europe. We travelled all over for 6 weeks, visiting France, Spain Germany, Switzerland and Holland. We drank wine and had the perfect summer." The ladies all responded "How nice, how very, very nice."

Sarah May tells the group about her summer, "My husband rented an RV an we drove all over the United States. We went to Nashville, St. Louis, New York City, Boston, Denver, San Francisco, Seattle and San Antonio visiting all sorts of famous places and national parks." The ladies responded, "Ooo how nice, how very, very nice!"

Finally both Sarah May and Bobby Sue ask Betty Lou what she did over her summer. She replied with, "My husband sent me to charm school." Shocked the women said, "Charm school!?? Why on Earth would he send you to charm school??" Betty Lou replies with, "He sent me to charm school so I could learn to say 'How nice, how very, very nice' instead of 'FUCK YOU!' "

 

[jmacn]

-What's the difference between a Cornhusker with Epilepsy, and a Hooker with Diarrhea?

-Cornhusker Shucks between Fits!

 

[swiftwater15]

Blonde raft guide

A blonde raft guide flips and dumps a load of passengers. They lose the boat. The crew ends up river left; she ends up river right. Over the water noise, the crew shouts across "how do we get to the other side?" The blonde shouts back "You ARE on the other side."

I take solace in the certainty that this is not the lamest joke in this thread,

 

[Kendi]

A blonde raft guide flips and dumps a load of passengers. They lose the boat. The crew ends up river left; she ends up river right. Over the water noise, the crew shouts across "how do we get to the other side?" The blonde shouts back "You ARE on the other side."

I take solace in the certainty that this is not the lamest joke in this thread,

Hey now- I'm a blonde guide...and I've only done that once...
(J/K)

 

[montuckyhuck]

So this guys wife hates him kayaking, but promised to shuttle him on a Saturday. Saturday comes and she says she doesn't feel like doing it anymore. He says "you already promised we could go! You can either give me a blow job, take it in the butt or drive shuttle". She agrees to give a blow job to get out of it. As soon as she starts she says "oh gross! Your dick tastes like shit." He says "yeah, the dog wouldn't come kayaking either".

 

[treehugger]

Someone asked for dead baby jokes......

• What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?
  A baby shot through a snowblower.

• What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
  Deep Throat.

• Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
  So you can see the expression on its face
• What is better than a dead baby?
  The revoked child-support.

• What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
  You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

• What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
  A baby chewing on razor blades.

• What is green and sits in a corner?
  The same baby, six weeks later.

• What do vegetarian ogres eat?
  Cabbage patch kids.

 

[treehugger]

Q:What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A:One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.


A playboater has a nasty ride down a very chunky rapid. After he bounces off the last rock, he rolls up and starts checking out the damage. His friend comes over and asks if he's all right.
"No, it hurts everywhere!"
"Everywhere?"
"Yeah, look. When I touch here (pointing to his nose) it hurts. When I touch here (pointing to his elbow) it hurts. When I touch here (pointing to his shoulder) it hurts. When I touch here..."
"I know what the problem is ... your finger's broken!"

 

[Flying_Spaghetti_Monster]

Whats the difference between a Catholic Priest, and acne? Acne at least waits til the boy is 12 before it cums on his face.

 

[F.A.A.C. Slim]

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Because her tits were too big for b shells

 

[treehugger]

Why don't tubers wear helmets?
That would imply that their head contained something that's worth investing $30 to protect.


Drunken sailor stumbles into the brothel with 3 bucks to his name.

Business is dead, so the madam sets him up with her oldest, skankiest whore, 'ol Hazel.

He climbs the stairs, and enters the dark, musty room where Hazel plies her trade. "C'mon in sonny, let's get to it!"

He puts it in, and exclaims, "Ugh, that thing feels like sandpaper, can't ya get it wet anymore?"

"Hold on sailor, I think I can do something..."

He puts it in again, and it feels great. "Ah, that's better, whadja do, squeeze some KY on it?"

"Sonny, for three bucks, you don't get KY. I just picked the scabs and let the pus run."





Whats yellow and orange and looks good on a hippy.

Fire.

 

[treehugger]

How is spinach like anal sex?

It is hard to enjoy either as an adult if it was forced on you as a child.

 

[caverdan]

Two Trees and A Woodpecker


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a
beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have
ever poked my pecker into.​

 

[rpludwig]

whats the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke!

 

[yesimapirate]

If the bird of "love" is the dove, then what's the bird of "like"?

The swallow!

 

[heavyswimmer]

A couple clean ones.


What's a pirates favorite letter... Arrrrrr!

What is a pirates favorite vegetable... the Arrrrtichoke!

What branch of the military would a pirate join... (wait for one of them to inevitably say Arrrrmy) No, the Navy... boats and stuff silly.




Three guys sitting around a campfire, a Californian, an Oregonian, and a Texan.

The Texan pulls out a Lonestar Ale, takes a sip, then throws the bottle in the air and shoots it. He says, we go so much of that shit where I come from we just waste it.

The Californian then pulls out a bottle of White Zinfandel or something fruity, takes a sip of it, throws it in the air and shoots it. He says, we got so much of that shit where I come from we just waste it.

The Oregonian pulls out a Mirror Pond Pale Ale, turns it up, and drinks the whole thing. Throws the bottle up in the air, turns, and shoots the Californian, then catches the empty bottle. He says, we go so many of them damn things where I come from we just waste 'em, not to mention, this bottle is worth a nickle.

 

[denachuck]

More Pirates

A pirate walks into a bar with a large ships steering wheel down the front of his pants.

Bartender says "Jeez buddy, that looks like it must hurt!"




Pirate says "Arrrrrr, its drivin' me nuts!"

 

[yesimapirate]

Happy National Joke Day. Brought this thread out of retirement in honor of said day.