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Discussion Starter #1
Some of you may know most of you are probably clueless. I am who was known as Caspermike.. I have dealt with some issues my whole life and tried for 28 odd years for "normal" but my gender dysphoria will not go away. So with that I must take what's left and continue on. I am transgender and a lot of my pain in the past I spewed as hatred towards others. I'm deeply sorry for the pain I caused others. I know I reaped what I sowed but I have to move on and accept the change because denial is killing me, literally. Some of my first memories are of gender dysphoria. If some of you are clueless to what I am even talking about. I'm a trans woman. We can start there. If you got some questions I can def answer them. I like boating and all the same stuff just have some stuff going on inside that I had been keeping secret from everybody.

About 4 months or so ago I deleted most of the boaters off my Facebook I knew cause well I Wasn't in a good place at all. +40 percent of trans people attempted suicide and with a daughter and being at that place. I had to make a choice for life and thats where I am today. It's been a hard few months but i will return just have to take care of myself and some expenses(therapy,lazer,hormones eventually)

I love you all very much and now you know! See you on the water!


Myka
 

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I am glad for you, life is worth living.


I and we should all live out our lives as we feel it to be. We should not hide who we are, and we should never take our life based on what and how others make us feel. We need to live for ourselves and not for what others think of us.

I am proud of you, and happy for you. Be the change this world needs to see.

bob
 

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Well if that is true,it takes a lot of courage to admit and good luck to you...

If this is some bs prank to mess with Mike then uncool
 

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Good luck. Hope you get some good help to work your way through it.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
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Serious is a funny word but yes I am a real transsexual. This is no joke. My gender dysphoria pretty much always been happening on its on. Most of my memories are of gender dysphoria when I was a child. I stopped taking care of myself after high school hence the homeless look.. And alcohol seems really good at adding denial. My adrenaline addiction was basically the only thing making me feel alive. Every year when kayaking season would come up id hit it harder to try and make my dysphoria go away. Just got to the point where it's basically debilitating. It's also called gender dissonance. For you not so literate "woman trapped in males body"

Anyways welcome to the real world. The natural one at least.
 

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Myka, best of luck to you.

For what it's worth, while I guess you are looking for a clean break from the past, it may help other people here if you made one last post on this topic under the CasperMike login to dispel the doubt you are on the level about it or that it is a over the line prank on CM and the Buzz. Just a suggestion.
 

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This is the last post under this retched alias. Follow your hearts. In the deep dark
Canyons of your soul you will find what you seek! Fear not what's down stream as the water continues to flow. Look before you leap but don't be afraid to leap. Sometimes faith is all that's left and that's what it takes. Follow the white rabbit!

Myka

I am not running from my past I'm transforming it into something sustainable
 

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I suppose there could be others,but I'll go out on a limb and say you're probably the most badass transsexual kayaker out there:D....hope you find happiness...
 

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I know we've argued in the past, but I wanted to send much love and support. I have no idea what this must be like for you. Now go run the shit.
 

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Myka,

Cool! I'm glad you're in the process of figuring out who you are and who you want to be, and being more and more secure and comfortable with yourself.

If you don't know of her already, look up Laura Jane Grace, singer/guitarist/founder of the great band Against Me! (one of my favorite bands of all time). She was Tom Gabel, and "came out" as having gender dysphoria about two years ago. She has been very public and outspoken about it, her realization and discovery, and her transition. She did a fantastic interview with Rolling Stone, a few appearances on MTV and other media discussing it, and Against Me!'s latest album is called "Transgender Dysphoria Blues," and widely deals with these issues for her.

She may be a great source of guidance, inspiration, and support.

Also, here in our local community we have a boater who is transitioning. Though I don't want to speak for her or to presume I know anything about her experiences, I think she has found a very positive and supportive community with those she boats with here, and through boating she has a place where she can be herself and feel safe and comfortable. I hope your community can be the same thing for you.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Laura Jane kicks ass! Yes I actually own the album..

Tell this other girl hi for me :)
 

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Myka,
While we have sparred many times in the past, I wish you all the best.
Roger
 

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You know I have always respected your straight forward (blunt??) critiques and comments and never taken offense at the directness of that. I have appreciated the many vids you have posted of places that I will likely never see.

Hope that things continue to go well for you. I had a friend in my area that I have known for 15 years as a man go through this process in the last two years or so. She lives now as a woman full time. And is much happier. Not that living as a man wasn't ok before but very withdrawn and reserved a lot of the time. It's been challenging and amazing to me to see this process and see the true nature of this person come out.

Best of luck in your transition. s.
 

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This takes some serious bravery Myka, I'm really impressed. I do have some questions, and I imagine they are very personal, but this is a very personal subject yes? If you don't feel comfortable answering any of them please just ignore them.

How do you think growing up in Capser, WY affected your early perception of your gender dysphoria?

Could you go more into how boating influenced your life these past few years?

Will you continue to boat class V when you began boating again?

You speak of some of your first memories being of gender dysphoria, I'm really curious as to what these memories are like, would you mind sharing?

Much thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Growing up in Wyoming there is a level of misogyny that pretty much unfathomable. People use the "like a girl" as an insult so naturally I tried to adapt by fitting in. I never felt like I was a boy or girl growing up just a child which is hard to explain those feelings to somebody who is cissexual. My first memories of actual dysphoria are pretty powerful moments that I repeated from pre-k till puberty. I would psychically invert my genitalia. I never thought anything of it really, I thought it was "normal". Growing up I would play house, make crafts, watch the gender bender version of Peter Pan with the woman playing Peter and than make my self a Peter Pan costume and pretend i was her. I liked pretty woman and have always been closer to the woman that have been in my life. Kindergarten till junior high my best friend was this girl named lindee. First grade I would play with the girls hair and make flower bracelets. Lots of swing set monkey bars and hop scotch for this kid. Always liked getting super high on swing so is go over horizontal and get to fall a bit :) makes you feel alive you know. I've never felt alive till recently. I think having Raigan and witnessing that miracle has brought my own feelings to a spot in my life where I couldn't ignore them anymore. That and my gender dysphoria started visible appearing beyond what I could hide anymore. Junior high was a pretty miserable experience for me. I was called faggot a lot. I never understood why because I love woman! And it always hurt me. I started chewing my nails unstoppable alot till the point they would bleed. I quite looking in the mirror by 8th grade. And would just try to get through my day and than everything would be better once I got to the swim pool. I had lots of friends on the swim team and dopamine sure feels good after working out for 2 hours. I'd go home my mom would ask how my day was is never let anything show I'd just say good. High school I did say fuck it for a while being at the swim pool for most of the day and a few classes wasn't to terrible. I did have a few different groups of people who thought it as fun to pick on me call me faggot some more... Had same gf throughout high school she was cheerleader, I actually did a season of cheerleading my senior year good at tossing them in the air. I was visibly not cissexual bleach blonde hair liberty spikes with pink highlights. If you could only see lol! I also worked out in a woman's swimsuit pretty much my entire senior year.. I always thought I was straight because I have a penis and I like woman that was the extent of my gender recognition and that if you weren't that you were gay. Pretty simple mind set, enormously ignorant but it's mostly because the society I grew up in shamed the shit out of femininity because for some reason they lump it as weakness when woman face more objectification everyday than a dude deals with in a year. It's a natural predator prey cycle and that's why true feminists are important not the pseudo feminists. But that's for another time. I never learned what trans gender was till 20's and before than I thought all the stuff I had seem of transsexuals was fake! That and transphobia is very real in our society(84 Americas got talent guy singing about woman with penis and everybody laughing, silence of lambs, Plus the other movies that portray us as freaks.) That's a hard one to chock down that you are a transsexual not because you want to but because you are. It's not like I went down a list of stuff I'd like to possible be in life and pick the label transsexual. It's just applied to me because I feel like I'm a woman inside. I feel like even through a life of male socialization and testosterone poisoning somehow my soul and what's inside is unbreakable from femininity. Some people believe femininity is artificial well what am I? I can't help it so lets start at the melt down.
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Here's the last picture I took it's was two days after my 28 birthday while on the kayaking trip this spring. Visibly distressed. By this point in my life I had been "crossdressing" since 14. Thats what I thought I was doing anyways. I didn't know what crossdressing really was which does entail some sort of sexual pleasure from it. I was sleeping in night gowns doing my makeup hair on occasion when I had time to be alone. Growing up I just wore a XL shirt to bed. So it was basically a dress for a child. Ignorant of what was happening in my life I was in true denial with trying to deal with my desires. I tossed all my "girl" stuff away multiple times trying to get rid of my dysphoria and id hit the water hard because it made me feel alive.. Id get a shit ton of anxiety and depression and id end up chewing my nails off waiting for the next fix. Basically a junkie I always promised to stay off hard drugs because my uncle od from heroin. My mother thinks he had stuff going in similar to what I have going on. In my family there are others and the specialist I'm seeing thinks it's genetic.totally makes since because I have never felt different as a person just better when I'm not playing a roll as a boy. It was difficult for me to accept it all because of the transmisogyny, transphobia, as well as my own religion. I've been in the denial stage for several years while still being in the dysphoria stage. 2 years ago I started looking into hormones but I wanted a kid was I could so that at that time so I psychically stated to kneed my chest in hopes I would grow breasts.. I read an article about the polock army or something growing breasts on one side from to many hits to the chest with the rifle stock. And it does work :). This was all before I realized I was gonna have a baby. I was hoping for a boy a
Originally and totally against the idea of having a princess like angry. Which isn't good.. Denial was fierce for me because of the ego is very powerful to beat sometimes. I tossed my things again and than after my daughter was born something triggered for sure and I was happy just didn't feel full you know. I started doing butt workouts to try and fill my hips a little more. Still wasnt looking in the mirror and I was looking pretty homeless this last year. One day I smacked my face on the ground while snowboarding and cut my nose pretty good; I was really pissed at my self for doing some stupid trick and now I gotta live with this scare on the bridge of my nose. My anxiety was getting really bad. Was smoking 2 ounces month to myself. To ease some of the depression and anxiety. I'd look at things while I was at work like makeup tips and transitioning videos. Went on the kayaking trip didn't even know it was my birthday during the trip till day after. Don't get me wrong I had a great time it's just something was missing. It's hard to explain. But easiest way for me to explain what oppression can do to somebody is an analogy. Just because you are at the ocean and on a boat doesn't mean it's always a cheerful experience. How so, ask a slave who's being oppressed if the sunset looks the same before freedom to after freedom. My personal oppression and feelings of shame guilt have been mountains to overcome. But the world seems brighter today than yesterday and far brighter than what I was looking at 2..3 months ago. I will get back into kayaking. I still want to run metlako and I love the box. I just have to take care of some expenses and honestly I've been running myself ragged dealing with this so I'm enjoying peace for the first time in my life. You know that feeling at the bottom of a rapid!! I'm happy to not constantly live in the feeling above a rapid. Just enjoying life right now and learning to love me and let it unfold like a flower. That is my main priority next to raising my daughter Raigan. I will be back just need some time!

As for how do I know. Well I know just like you know or she knows or he knows. Is the soldier that fights in battle and loses his manhood not a man? That's a powerful question we need to ask ourselves. I started plucking my eyebrows uncontrollably after work the last day of the season. It was bad I couldn't help it I didn't want to see a male in the mirror. No other way to explain it just feels entirely wrong. Started living as a woman end of April I'd go out and I couldn't help it anymore it was uncontrollable and I was still fighting it but I just could to help it and this is where my depression got really bad and I was thinking about how I would end it. A lot to face with all the people I care so much about that I would live my life by their expectations or what I thought they were.. Seeing how it wasn't going away and I couldn't end my life I started therapy and she reassured me I want insane which is nice. I have started lazer hair removal on my beard :) and that makes me happy so been out of the water last two weeks letting my face heal. Back again in 8 weeks and I'm aiming to start hormones hopefully before winter.. Only way to get rid of the dysphoria is to fix the problem which is physical for me. got through a lot of the tough mental stuff these last few years and def these last few months.

So that's my life through a crack in the nutshell. Lots more happened in regards to my dysphoria but that's some of the basic stuff.
 

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So, when talking about you in the 3rd person, should we call you "she"? As in "she'll be kayaking again in a couple weeks"? Apologies in advance if I forget occasionally.

Wow, this really puts petty internet arguments in perspective. I'm proud to know you, and proud of how supportive the whole paddling community seems to be.
 
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