I was walking across the Willamette River bridge this morning, and I heard splashing and shouting, so I looked over the railing. In the water below I saw a man wearing an explosive suicide vest, carrying an AK-47 and a brace of hand grenades, all contributing to his difficulty treading water. I recognized him as a wanted terrorist, but nobody wants to see someone drown. So I notified the sheriff's office, the police department and the coast guard. The terrorist went under and didn't back come up. That was four hours ago. I'm beginning to think I wasted my stamps.