Mountain Buzz banner

1 - 20 of 51 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
273 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Every kayaker goes through something called "The Annual" This is a fight/brawl/argument/seperation that occurs with your significant other when the snow starts melting, and the rivers start running. Why? Because they are about to become "Kayak Widows" not that we actually die, but we are a bit dead to them. In a women's mind: "He likes sleeping in the dirt, with a bunch of dudes in the stupid forest....BETTER than my boobs". If you've kayaked long enough and have a women, you know what I'm talking about. Some annuals are short, some are violent, some are frequent. Basically they vary from year to year. My friend just had his and it is one of the worst I've ever heard. He will remain nameless to protect his pride.


His wife banned him from boating class V. Can you believe that shit, the nerve of females these days. Ok, the guy is getting old, I think he's like 33 now. Definitely going bald, and does have a kid. But come on lady, class V is the only thing the guy has left to make him cool. Without that he is just another Real Estate agent in Fort Collins named JJ. Lame! So Lame!

I would get divorced over something like that personally, (Maija, if you read this I'm not kidding).

Not to mention the guy is a great boater, I did see him get chundered in Ginger with a mustache, but that's besides the point.

Right now he is a good guy, drives a truck. Take away class V and he's going to sell the truck and by a Mini Cooper because his "play boat" fits, and he'll will probably start hanging out with that loser Joe Keck. Is that what you want lady? I don't think so!

Did any of you other "older" boaters have the class V kibosh put on by your lady? How common is this epidemic?

In closing:

Gentleman be strong, when you feel THE ANNUAL coming, just go boating before she can actually start arguing about it. RUN. It is imperative that you have your gear on ready alert, potentially hidden in the trucks of your friends. I've found it works the best if my friends are already waiting at my house to go boating before I get home. Strength in numbers, and "most" women won't scream or cry in public, too much.

Here's a couple researched and tested techniques to help you out.

When you come home this Friday and telling your woman that your going out to Escalante this weekend, has slipped yer mind.. be strong. Tell her that your friend is terminally ill in Grand Junction and you are going to a fundraiser at the local church, for the weekend. If that doesn't work go to the only place where you know she won't bother you, go and take a dump. Call your friends who already have your gear, and have them do a drive by. Sneak out the window and send her a text, it works every time.

Good Luck and Be Safe Out There!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,471 Posts
Hey Lotsa, wanna carpool to Esca this weekend? I'll call ya.
Joe

Oh, also I must agree entirely with your post. I've had several complete separations due to the hyper-addictive "gnar" - there's no choice involved, I'm going kayaking. I think some guide book even wrote about the phenomena. I did hear about this one guy that could kayak with his lady friend - lucky bastard.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
498 Posts
Yall need to date hotter women I guess. Or learn to communicate better. Cuz yano with all the advancements in boats and saftey. Big South, Obj are just IV+. sj
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
273 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
sj

BLASPHEMY

a little rapid called "Double Trouble" on the big south reads the buzz. good luck on that run on this year. Maybe you should try it at high water....

the river gods are always listening and you are going to get it pal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
950 Posts
That is a funny post!! Well I guess its funny since I'm not married and don't have to ask permission :) Anyway finding a good girl is probably the best option. I have a roommate who starts packing the gear before I can finish saying "were hitting the river." AND she turned down a managers position at her job and is debating on quitting for the summer to have more time avaliable on the river kayaking and camping. :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
709 Posts
Awe, I hear that AW has re-rated a lot of rivers in CO.

Narrows... 3+
Upper narrows...4
Joe wright 4
Big south 4+
Escalante 4

etc
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
27 Posts
Girls get it too...

Hah, this is a funny post. I have been trying to get my man to run Escalante with me all week.....no luck yet! So yeah, whether your a man or a woman, it is much easier if your "partner" loves kayaking to the same extent that you do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
648 Posts
Now my wife has two of us two worry about

She complains we bug her and gives Henry and I money for gas and food and tells us to go paddle. Then she complains we go too often. Then she complains she never gets to go with us anywhere. Then she complains she is too tired to go with us anywhere. Then she complains we're not being safe. Then when she does go with us, she has a big swim and Henry and I feel avenged and rewarded.

Who said there isn't a God?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
58 Posts
I like sleeping in the dirt

Some people just like dirt... Water washes it off... Too bad it doesn't do much for that funny smell in my dry top... If someone could find a way to make that smell have a phermonal response we'd all be in the clear. :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
929 Posts
I think that trying to find a good gal that isn't going to care if you go boating everyday is like puttin a band-aid on a bullet hole. You are slowly going to bleed to death. The real solution is to go to the gym for 10 minutes on a friday night. Do five minutes of bench press and five minutes of sculpting those biceps. Then head on down to the BARmuda Triangle and let those swollen pecks and flesh cannons ( a nickname also given to the lower extremity) do their work. Start at the Rio and practice your SBC boatin skills by trying to escape the cougars, or if you have some catnip bag and tag one. Then head to the Steakout and try to find yourself a little filly that can appreciate a cool Easy Street on a midsummer night. If that doesn't work head next door and bust out the patchouli and see if you can get one with more pit hair then you do. (For those boaters that do have a perma-drytop smell about them I suggest you go hear first and don't waste your time).
The next morning you skip out to hit up the Big S and leave before they wake up. I usually have my good friend and roommate Paul the Kayaker give them a ride home. Unless he joins in (not kayaking), then we play Hunter, Bear, Ninja for who gives the ride. See, you never have to hear any bitching and you get all the benefits of marriage.

P.S. I have never had to resort to this but if you fail at the triangle you can head over to Tony's and probably do well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
My fiance just read your post and gave me a good lecturing. Thanks a lot, dick.

Also, Dave Pizzuti is the saddest story i've ever heard. This is guy who still collects royalties for being in an airline commercial and appearing on a bic lighter, yet his wife made him move to michigan and start law school. He is lucky if he gets a couple days of boating in per year. He told me to make sure that I have something in writing that allows me to go boating before I enter into wedlock. Im taking his professional advise and drafting up my prenup soon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
805 Posts
Peoples - you're missing the point, which doesn't surprise me considering the woman-less chimpanzees who are frequenting this thread right now (besides Kato), however, to clarify, she asked not that he stop kayaking but that he QUIT RUNNING CLASS V. This a philosophical question not a question of scrotum clenching as the un-evolved here are wont to understand, as that is their greatest fear having never actually spent the night with a woman with whom they respect and eventually find that they can not live with out.

The discussion here should not be revolving around the adolescent, "my woman will not let paddle enough" cliche, as any grown man should know not to enter into a commitment that would ever tighten the scrotum in that way... no, the discussion should be of a much deeper variety, a discussion of the merits of running class V versus the risks associated. If you don't have wife or children, just imagine your mother in their place and try to understand the true dilemma. Is it worth the risk? And we must think of this worth in the way that a wife and mother can understand if we are to help this nameless real estate agent with the initials JJH. And he does need our help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
795 Posts
This is an interesting one. Just finished mine (literally).....although it was a little different. I was told where to go boating, who I could go boating with (or NOT), how long it was going to take, when I was supposed to be calling, what next weekend would look like, how I'm supposed to incorporate her into my weekend plans, how I was supposed to accomodate her needs while I was on the river (in the event she did come camping with us......but again, certain people could come, others couldn't). Oh yeah, and if we were on the river (and she was in a raft with other friends), It was expected that I paddle over to the raft pretty frequently to "make sure she's okay"......then when we stop for a little break, I was expected to get out of my boat and "shower her with affection"......EVERYTIME.

I can paddle when I want too now, with whomever, wherever, and on a friggen paco pad if I choose!! I'm all about helping the sig.other learn the sport and come along....but that doesn't mean I want to change everything about how I do it.

And 33 isn't old!!! what the hell??? I have plenty of things to "keep me cool" other than kayakin'.........such as modeling flannel shirts and long-johns for the Sears catalogs (less hair = more sought after in the older man modeling biz).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
498 Posts
Geez RW way to buzzkill. You however are right and to continue with the Buzzkill. Last year my teenage daughters best freind's dad died while paragliding at Golden. She called my daughter distraut and asked her to go veiw the body with her. My daughter said there was still blood comming out of his ears and she can't get that out of her head.

I only knew the guy a little yet his choices have rocked my little world. Wether it be tearful calls from the girls mother for parenting help or the look my daughter gives me everytime I put my boat on the car. So rest assured unless you are a total asshole and even your mother dose'nt like you. You will leave a wide swath of emotional pain behind you. And it sucks to be caught in that. Do what you gotta do boys and girls. sj
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,408 Posts
This is all just an early maritial stage...later they send you out hoping you will not return.
 

·
Owner: Class 5 Carvings
Joined
·
621 Posts
So here is what I propose, there are a couple options here, like most said find a Kayak chick, ya that doesn't really happen and they still won't give in on the class V goods issue, especially once they know what it's all about. Number two, everyone needs a shuttle bunny or some camping chicken, so bring them with, although your not directly addressing the class V issue she doesn't feel left, but in honesty that doesn't work well either, ladies don't like to hang out with all your drunk friends around a campfire, plus then who's home making money while your away? Third, ditch the chicks for summer, winter is cuddle time anyway, but how many times can you drive to Greeley for a little glory hole action? Fourth, leave all your gear with a friend and tell you woman your going jogging!! Have your friend pick you up a block away, and the ladies are none the wiser. Good luck if your spotted though. Lastly and think this is the one, tell you woman that AW downgraded all the favorite class V gnar you love to paddle to class IV this year. Your woman is going to let you paddle, jut not class V so just be a sandbagger and call everything you want to run a class IV adventure. If your woman doesn't know anything about the rivers your on, or how to read the guide book, your in the clear, if she already has years of summer training and knows what the Big South is all about, your going to have to be hoss and tell her your workout schedule all winter has honed your muscles specifically to making all the moves on that run, and because of this, not only the AW down grade, but because of these muscles the run will only be a IV in your book. I think this will solve your solution. Maybe the dialouge about too much water is a good one to have as well. "But baby, it's only class V when it's creeky and pinny, but there is 10 times as much water running down as there normally is, so it's just like big water excitement now, don't worry I'll be fine, its only a class IV adventure!"

Good Luck fellow kayakers, my lady has yet to see her first summer, good luck to her too!!

P the K
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
501 Posts
what is old?

Per an earlier comment, it is kind of sad that anyone would be considered old at 33. Come on! ... That is not even hitting our prime yet. My advise:

1) although opposites may attract, they do not last. That said, I am still looking for a mature and responsible boating chick myself.

2) If married, be sure to own life and health insurance to take care of your family and yourself in the event of accident or death. Also, Disability Insurance is wise if you can afford it. Particularly if you are the sole provider.

3) Even with kids and being a single parent I still boat class V and have, occassionally, some VI. If that is what you are accustomed to and enjoy, then it is who you are. I even often boat solo class V (only because I am somtetimes anxious to go when no one else is available or interested, and I need to release some stress). I say, just be smart about your abilities. Personally, I think that it is only with many years experience (i.e. perhaps beyond the age of 33 and 20+ years boating experience) that you develop mature and reliable intuition. That said, if it scares your wife then don't talk or brag about it in front of her. Just make sure you have her taken care of if you get chundered to bits. Also, I encourage anyone with kids to teach them to kayak beginning as early an age as possible. The family that plays together stays together. And, if you die they will at least understand that you did so doing what you loved.

As the Jackson video says, "You don't stop kayaking when you get old. You get old when you stop kayaking."

Cheers!

Ken
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
148 Posts
Well, ES's sage comments, once again, seem to be lost in these lengthy missives. The problem is not going boating, it's boating class five. I'll try to draw on my not-so-lengthy five years of marriage for a tip here.

We know that the fairer sex is not so swayed by analytical reasoning alone. We need to also appeal to their heartstrings. Here is my suggestion. Our poor comrade makes a nice dinner accompanied by a fine bottle of Fume Blanc. When the warmth kicks in let the compliments fly. Any woman worth her salt will reciprocate with a "you too baby, are the light of my life," or some such garbage. This is his opportunity to discuss the fact that the man he is, lo, the man she loves, is a class V boater; And that the light she sees in his kindred soul will dim if it is not allowed to burn freely on Double Trouble.

Yes I eat bullshit and Cheerios for breakfast.
 
1 - 20 of 51 Posts
Top