The handy guide to repair kits - Mountain Buzz
 



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Old 05-02-2014   #1
Old Guy in a PFD
 
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1967
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,106
The handy guide to repair kits

Members may know that I create lists.. Given that a new river season is upon us, I thought a brief explanation of some common tools would help members decide what should be carried the the repair kit, and what can be left at home.

SNAP-RING PLIER:
A special plier used to propel snap-rings from the part you are working on to the farthest, darkest, spider inhabited recesses of the garage
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly- painted item you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could hit it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. If a hole develops in the palm, they can then be re purposed to lift dutch ovens out of the campfire.
ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also for igniting grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood at walls to test integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for poking holes in things, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short. Also good for trimming toe nails.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts near the object we intended to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as inflatable boats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, river permits, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also most often the next tool that you will need.
Duct Tape
A strong sticky tape that sticks to itself quite nicely, is hard to cut, and impossible to remove once applied. A useful companion to the mechanics knife and the hose cutter.

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Old 05-03-2014   #2
 
montrose, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1999
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 430
A drill press is a pretty big tool for a repair kit, but you forgot the biggest tool that is common on raft trips: the conservative.
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Old 05-05-2014   #3
 
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Westminster, Colorado
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 607
Thanks, Schutzie...needed a good chuckle today.
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Old 05-05-2014   #4
 
k2andcannoli's Avatar
 
Denver, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2002
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Posts: 936
Every single one had me laughing. Mostly because I feel you are speaking from personal experience.
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Old 05-05-2014   #5
 
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2007
Join Date: Sep 2009
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Thank you for this, Schutzie! This is one of the funniest things I've read in a while. It probably helps that I had a mental picture for almost all of these!
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Old 05-05-2014   #6
 
Florence, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2001
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 220
Loved it.
You forgot:
Cleaning solvent: Used to mar the appearance of the surface to a degree that you should have just left it alone. Other use is to inflict severe pain in the eyes due to lack of eye protection.
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Old 05-05-2014   #7
 
Salida, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1986
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 954
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room......


Ahhhhh, now I understand the rest of the list.
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Old 05-07-2014   #8
 
Park City, Utah
Paddling Since: 1982
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 568
I chuckled as well, but felt right at home with every tool episode you listed.
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Old 05-09-2014   #9
Old Guy in a PFD
 
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1967
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,106
Quote:
Originally Posted by formerflatlander View Post
Loved it.
You forgot:
Cleaning solvent: Used to mar the appearance of the surface to a degree that you should have just left it alone. Other use is to inflict severe pain in the eyes due to lack of eye protection.
Ah yes! Thank you.

Brings up a memory; I was consigned to warehouse duty one weekend. Can of cleaning solvent on the tube, and I'm exercising my God given right to complain about being stuck in the warehouse on a sunny summer weekend. For emphasis of my point I bang on the tube, sending the cleaning solvent flying, landing on the rash/blister enraged skin of a fellow warehouse sufferer. Said sufferer instantly became super sufferer, given that his skin already was so tender and sensitive that even gauze bandages caused foot hopping pain.

A trip to the hospital, 4 hours work lost, and my eternal shame the result.
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