OT - Joke Wars - Mountain Buzz
 



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Old 10-11-2006   #1
 
caverdan's Avatar
 
C. Springs, Colorado
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OT - Joke Wars

Lets here them, good or bad. I'll start um off with this one.

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and she say's hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?”

She said, "No, I’m your sons math teacher."


Edit to add one more to your day ;


Flat Belly

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his
dad
bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees, and blows it right back up."

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Old 10-11-2006   #2
gh
 
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moved

greg
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Old 10-13-2006   #3
 
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C. Springs, Colorado
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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive
man standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said
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Old 10-13-2006   #4
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
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Johny come home from school and tells his mom, "Guess what, I made love with my teacher at school, today!"

Mom replied, "You did what?!"

"I made love with my teacher at school, today"

"Johnny, you go strait to your room. You're father is going to have a talk with you when he gets home"

Later, Johny's dad gets home. "Johnny, your Mother tells me you made love with your teacher at school today, is that right?"

"Yes"

"How old are you, Johnny?"

"Ten"

"Damn Johnny, I was 16 before I made it with anyone. You're only ten and you're making it with your teacher! I can't beleive it! Don't tell your Mom, but I'm damn proud of you. I tell you what, you know that bike you've been wanting, tomorrow I'm going to buy you that bike & we'll go on a long ride together, how's that sound?"

"I don't know, Dad, my butt is still pretty sore"
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Old 10-13-2006   #5
 
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Golden, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
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Don't be offended its just a joke...

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?

She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A jet is flying across the country when the engines begin falling off one by one. When they are down to 1 engine the pilot comes on the radio and says

"Since we are down to one engine we are going to have to get rid of some weight. When I call your race go to the front of the plane and the flight atendant will assist you jumping out. I will go through by alphabetical order."

"African Americans"

Nobody got up. There was an African American family in the back of the plane. The boy says to his father...

"Aren't we African Americans?"
"No son thats not us"

Pilot: "Blacks"

Again nobody gets up. The little boy says to his father...

"Aren't we Blacks"
"No Son thats not us."

Pilot: "Coloreds"

Again nobody gets up. The little boy says to his father...

"Aren't we Coloreds."
"Son we're Niggers, and we come after the Mexicans."
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Old 10-13-2006   #6
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
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How can you tell when a women is really hot and bothered and ready for sex?








Stick UR hand down her pants and it feels like a horse try to eat oats out it!!!!!
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Old 10-13-2006   #7
 
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Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"

They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "how do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."

A guy asked "what if it's pointed straight up?"

She said "Then I'll be here at nine o'clock."
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Old 10-13-2006   #8
 
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A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The owner behind you with a gun and is blonde.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Old 10-13-2006   #9
 
Boatin', Colorado
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A single girl walks into the supermarket and grabs a couple of frozen dinners, half gallon of ice cream, a magazine, and some snacks

She goes to check out and there's a guy scanning her items through, he says "Ahh, single are you?".

She blushes and flirts back, "Yeah, how'd you guess?"

He says "Cause your fucking ugly".
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Old 10-13-2006   #10
 
Metro Area, Colorado
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 214
A fox is chasing a rabbit through the woods. They both pass a genie. The genie stops them and asks the fox if he were to grant both the rabbit and the fox 2 wishes, would the fox stop chasing the rabbit. The fox agrees.

For the fox's first wish he asks to have the biggest dick around. The genie snaps his fingers, and bing! the fox has the biggest dick.

For the rabbit's first wish he asks for a little motorcycle so that he can always out run any fox that wants to chase him. The genie snaps his fingers and and bing! there appears a minature motocycle.

For the fox's second wish he asks to have all the foxes in the world be turned into females, so that he is the only male fox left, and will never run out of willing females to sleep with his new huge dick. The genie snaps his fingers and bing! all the foxes in the world turn female but him.

The rabbit then turns to the genie and says, "For my last wish, I wish this fox to be gay!" and speeds off on his new motorcycle.
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