50 things I learned as father of the bride
The thread about gay marriage has left me no option but to post this. I started writing it shortly after my daughter got engaged. I finished it shortly after my spirit came back to me after the reception.
See, my daughter got married.
I was so happy for her, and so damn glad someone else was willing to be responsible for her that I told her I'd gladly pay for the wedding. In case any of you out there are looking to being the father of the bride any time in the future, I thought I'd offer the little tips and tricks I learned from my daughter's wedding.
1. There are 4,347,902,538 shades of "purple".
2. Only one of them is called "purple"
3. It is incorrect to suggest that "purple" is the name of the color selected by the bride as a wedding color.
4. The specific shade of purple suitable for a wedding must be custom ordered. For everything.
5. The more unusual the name for "purple" the more expensive it is to order.
6. The father of the bride has two key responsibilities in a wedding. Shut up. Pay for shit without question or comment.
7. Logic is irrelevant in wedding planning
8. Bridesmaids are not suitable chaperons at bachelorette parties
9. You can find a bail bondsman 2 hours before a Sunday morning wedding, but see rule 24.
10. Saying no or "HUH?" is bad for marital relations
11. The two most expensive materials in the world are wedding satin and wedding cake.
12. Bridesmaids dresses must match the wedding color of "purple" selected by the bride. Exactly. No matter that there is no material of that color anywhere in the civilized world and it must be ordered special from a little old lady in Luxembourg who only makes custom colored "purple" material in 1/2 yard batches. Once a week.
13. As father of the bride do not, ever, for any reason, under any circumstance, offer an opinion.
14. Especially a negative opinion.
15. If the father of the bride likes the groom the bride will not, under any circumstance, like her future in laws.
16. One of the bride's key responsibilities is to find subtle ways to insult the future in laws.
17. The future in laws are never as dumb as the bride thinks they are.
18. In laws carry grudges.
19. The cost of the wedding dress is in inverse proportion to the cut of the neckline. A lower neckline means a higher price.
20. Wedding satin is especially designed to wrinkle and attract dirt.
21. Cleaning wedding satin properly must be done only by specially trained chemists making more in an hour than the father of the bride makes in a month.
22. Beer and sausage is NOT suitable food for a reception where the bride has selected "purple" as one of her colors.
23. The brides family is required to pay for a day at the spa for the entire wedding party.
24. As soon as it is discovered that what you want is for a wedding the price triples, the availability drops to zero, and there are no substitutions.
25. Caterers assume that you are dumb enough to think sausage is Pate and beer is champagne.
26. SPAS know all about rule 24. In fact, they invented it.
27. Soda water will not get beer stains out of wedding satin.
28. Photographers hired for weddings are not reliable. Especially if the in laws recommended them.
29. If the minister hired to conduct the ceremony is a friend of the grooms family the bride will not like him.
30. If the in laws do not like the future daughter in law the minister will not like the parents of the bride.
31. The mother of the bride will always agree with the bride.
32. The mother of the bride will never agree with the father of the bride.
33. Even when the father of the bride agrees with the bride the mother of the bride will disagree with the father of the bride. See rule 7.
34. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, and it will be the father of the brides fault.
35. Saying "I told you so" will start a fight. Always.
36. Giving the groom alcohol 24 hours before a wedding is a bad idea. See rule 9.
37. The bride will resent any time the groom and the father of the bride spend together.
38. Brides do not have a sense of humor.
39. The mother of the bride does not have a sense of humor.
40. The father of the bride is expected to keep his sense of humor to himself.
41. The primary mission of the bridal party, aunts and uncles is to test rules 36, 38 and 39.
42. Rule 41 is the primary cause of rules 38 and 39.
43. An open bar at the reception is a really bad idea.
44. The bride will not appreciate pictures of her under the age of 10 being shown to the groom.
45. Do not tell the DJ cute stories about the bride when she was a kid. At least not until she has left the building.
46. The tuxedo worn by the father of the bride will not fit.
47. The shoes provided with the father of the brides Tuxedo will both be for the left foot.
48. It is possible to walk without visibly limping while wearing two left shoes.
49. It is impossible to dance with two left shoes.
50. The proudest day of the father of the brides life will be the day of the wedding.
Simply, if you are a father of the bride, keep your checkbook handy, your mouth shut, and try to stay out of the way. You will be a very proud man when all is said and done.