With apologies to anyone I offend here............*smiles*
1) To be a successful guide requires a sense of humor.
2) People who don't run river do not understand a guides sense of humor.
3) The more critical a thing is on a trip, the more likely it is that it will be forgotten, lost, broken, or stolen.
4) Things that absolutely, positively must stay dry and clean attract moisture and dirt.
5) Feces excreted on the river will always find a way to escape whatever container(s) it is put in.
6) Eating Ice Cream for breakfast all but guarantees a good river day.
7) Kayakers have a sense of humor.
Bouncy boaters do not understand kayaker humor.
9) Never ever respond to an ad for a support boat for 15 kayakers that states "work will be shared equally".
10) The temperature and moisture content of tennis shoes worn in the morning is inversely proportional to the temperature and moisture content of your sleeping bag.
11) If you pack a tent it will generally guarantee good weather.
12) Failing to pack a tent will generally guarantee rain and/or snow.
13) A thing placed near a camp fire to dry will never function as well afterwards.
14) You cannot pack too much beer for a trip.
15) Ethical guides will never take the last beer.
16) Kayakers will always take the last beer.
17) God created Kayakers to test the humor of bouncy boaters.
Kayakers created rule 17
19) If you reveal that what you want to buy is to be used as river gear, the price triples and the availability drops to zero.
20) Water always obeys the rule of gravity.
21) Rule 20 does not apply when rule 4 is in effect.
22) One person will always leave their ID at home when checking in for a Grand Canyon trip. Usually it will be the permit holder. See rule 3.
23) Rangers do not have a sense of humor.
24) There is a river God.
25) The river God has a sense of humor.
26) Neither Kayakers or bouncy boaters understand the river God's sense of humor.
27) Non boaters get the river God's sense of humor.
The bigger a rapid is, the more likely rule 5 will be in imposed.
29) Musical instruments on a river trip enhance the trip.
30) Rule 4 was created because of rule 29.
31) Toilet paper is useless if it gets wet and irritating if it gets dirty. See rule 4.
32) As soon as the groover is packed away, someone will need it.
33) The average air temperature on a river is inversely proportional to the weight of clothing packed.
34) Anything designed to get wet will.
35) Anything designed to keep water out won't.
36) The likelihood of snow increases as river flow increases.
37) Bragging about one's chef abilities automatically activates rules 3, 4 and 5.
Shaving or cutting any body hair on a river trip is bad luck.
39) Women on a river trip enhance the trip.
40) Women on a river trip complicate the logistics of a river trip. See rule 25.
41) Providing a hot beverage to the women on a trip before they get out of their sleeping bags is a good substitute for rule 6.
42) The bigger and heavier a boat is, the more likely it is to become stuck.
43) Clothes worn on a river trip should never be worn for any other purpose.
44) Whenever possible get naked on the river.
45) A gallon of water weights 8.34 pounds.
46) A cubic foot of Grand Canyon silt weighs 6.24 pounds.
47) A gallon of Colorado River water in the Grand Canyon weighs 14.58 pounds.
A whopper or Big Mac tastes better at Pierce Ferry than at Lees ferry.
49) Anything can be converted to use as river gear with enough money, time, and beer.
50) Kayakers are the only people who are allowed to wear a skirt on the river.