Stages of Addiction... - Mountain Buzz
 



Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 09-30-2004   #1
 
thecraw's Avatar
 
Boulder, Jackson Kayak, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1995
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 911
Send a message via Skype™ to thecraw
Stages of Addiction...

This is a "regionally altered and updated" version of a hilarious article from AW in Jan/Feb of 1997 written originally by Bob Shaw who apparently is a Medical Doctor. It basically takes the standard 6 stages of addiction and applies a boaters perspective of it all. I read it while at GualeyFest this year and have retyped it for your pleasure. I have made many adjustments for those in the Colorado region, as some of you might not be familiar with some of the original east coast phrases/references.

While long... I think it helps clarify confusion from friends/loved ones, in regards to understanding "What happened to Johnny/Jenny? He/She started kayaking a year ago and now he/she is a totally different person".

Feel free to have fun with this... add anything that you think should be in a particular stage.

The article goes like this:

Recently while reviewing the latest New England Journal of Medicine, I was reminded that most addictions have several stages that a victim passes through on their road to complete dependency or eventual recovery. It is obvious that kayaking can be addicting and there are certain "Stages" that one goes through as one becomes proficient (addicted) to kayaking.

Obviously, only a few will reach the highest stage. Many boaters "Burn out" at a lower stage or have a "Religious experience" on the river and suddenly no longer feel the need for the adrenaline rush of pushing to new heights. With only a little training anyone can quickly categorize a paddler into one of the following stages:

Stage I
You've seen kayaking on television or while on a vacation or have a friend who kayaks. You go to a kayak club meeting, sit in a boat, or paddle on a lake. Mountainbuzz is just a chat room full of mutants using terms you could never imagine understanding. You have never heard the term "Gnarr", have no idea who Bailey is, never smelled the fine bouquet of a kayaker and you see no relationship to sex and boating. Your only idea of a roll something at a sushi restaurant. You believe a hole is something in a donut. You believe that Gore is something that keeps you dry and that Frenchy is a yellow mustard.

Stage II
You buy a boat and attend a whitewater clinic. You make your first trip to Filter Plant or Foxton. You invest in your first kayak porn flick. You leave your kayak and racks on your car as a status symbol. You understand what "The Gnarr" is and are frightened of wherever it might be. You know of Gore as a river that you will NEVER be interested in boating. Frenchy is still an enigma, but you are sure he can help you when you have a question about how to post your first question on Mountainbuzz "I am a new boater looking for someone to paddle with?" You talk with you sex partner about boating. A roll is something you can attain 50% of the time. Holes are things to avoid at all cost. The fine bouquet of a kayaker is appalling and is considered closely resembling cat piss.

Stage III
Some of your friends have begun to question the time you devote to kayaking. You're on your second boat and have made at least one week long trip either to the South East or out to Cali. You can't wait for Gore season and Bailey is now your best friend. You are beginning to like the ever more pungent bouquet.. You still prefer sex to boating, but sometimes think about boating during sex. Smaller holes are now your friend and are looked for as opposed to avoided. Your kayak porn collection is bigger than your book collection. You don't see your non-boater friends for weeks at a time from Spring till Winter and when you do... they tell you that you smell bad...you don't even care. Frenchy is your only source of news and information.

Stage IV
Everyone who has ever known you is aware that you kayak. Your paddling trips consist of only Class IV-V water. You own more than two boats. You can be ready for a weeklong boating trip in less than 30 minutes. You think that Gore is too crowded and is getting boring. You wear stinky poly pro even when not boating. You think sex and boating are equivalent. You can hand roll with ease. You LOVE large holes. You have paddled all the major rivers/creeks in the Rockies Appalachians and Sierra's. You keep running into your friend Frenchy in the weirdest spots. You only can look at Moutainbuzz every so often because you live out of your kayak devoted truck. People from all over are always recognizing you and generally have already heard of your latest epic, before you have a chance to tell them about it. No warranty departments will call you back and your name is on the top of the each black list.

Stage V
Your only close friends left are complete hair boaters. You paddle only V+VI water. You've paddled rivers on at least two different continents. Your trips are planned around high water and remote access. Your run Gore only because it finishes the season in the Rockies. You are sexually stimulated by the "fine bouquet", but enjoy boating more than sex. You hand paddle class V. Only river wide monster holes give you concern. You are on a first name basis with Clay Wright/Coran Addison/Steve Fisher/Tao/Jay Kincaid/EJ/ and countless other just like yourself that are considered totally insane. Warranty departments actually hate you.

Stage IV
Over 50% of your daily life is devoted to boating related activities and you have no regular job. You have trouble speaking to folks at parties about anything but kayaking. You are recruited for professional endorsements and have been featured on a television special or the cover of a whitewater magazine. You are a legend on Mountainbuzz, but no mortals want to paddle with you. You compete in over half of all whitewater rodeo's. You don't even where layers anymore. You don't need a paddle. You don't need sex. River wide monster holes concern you only because of the debri circulating in them.

__________________
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body. But rather...To skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming... WOW !!!! What a ride!!!!!!"
thecraw is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-30-2004   #2
 
bouldrmatty's Avatar
 
engineer
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 137
My wife was commenting last night that it was a bit odd that I was getting excited cause there was a flood watch in Durango. I thought about it for a bit and I guess it is weird to get excited about the high pitch beep-beep interrupting your TV show and look in excitement to see where the flood is.
:P
Pavlov's kayaker..

Peace-Out
bouldrmatty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2004   #3
 
Denver, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1999
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 860
Now that is good stuff...Especially as you read it and know you have been through these stages.

I can add to stage 4 and 5.

Stage 4: When you sell your bed and furniture and put all the rest of your stuff that doesn't involve boating in storage and buy a Van so you can live down by the river!!! Maybe thats stage 5?

Stage 5: When you see a different state (like WV) or part of CO having huge flows. You call all your buddies to see if anybody wants to rally. If you can't find anybody you contemplate driving 24 hours by yourself. If you can't make that happen your day is ruined. Then when people start posting how awesome the Dries are you get a feeling of jealousy and remorse of "Maybe I could have made it there!!!" The next day starts to get better until you see the pictures on LocalPaddler of the waves you have surfed and know intimately. You say to yourself, "I love that wave...I could have thrown of better blunt than that!" Then you start seeking alternatives. Hmmmm, D-town, M-Wave, GOD DAMMIT WHY WON"T BAILEY RUN!!!

Oh how I am so addicted....at least I can admit it. Isn't that the first step to recovery...wait I don't want to recover...I WANT WHITEWATER!!
marko is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-30-2004   #4
 
badkins's Avatar
 
Laramie, Wyoming
Paddling Since: 1992
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 499
Interesting that I am only on stage III, I am almost to stage IV tho! Still not bored with gore yet!

BTW Craw, I heard that the theme song to your Lower Meadow "experience" was "Take me down to the beat down city". Care to elaborate???
badkins is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2004   #5
 
thecraw's Avatar
 
Boulder, Jackson Kayak, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1995
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 911
Send a message via Skype™ to thecraw
Stage III my ass!


Very true my friend.... It was a slight mishap on the Lower Meadow that went bad real fast. That entire river is ONE BIG SIEVE. Way more so than even the upper box. Lost my Woody (no pun intended) as me, my kayak and paddle went down into a very scary sieve... I jumped out at the last second. I had to swim until I could find a good spot to get ashore. The sieves are EVERYWHERE and the shoreline is the worst.

My boat was retrieved immediately and I used my breakdown to finish the run. 3 days later (once the water went down) Livingston, Burns and I went down to find it!!! YES... stuffed under the 8 foot deep cave (where I would be as well if I didn't get out) was my Woody. YEEEEHAWWW.

As the great man once sang.... "Take me down to the beat down city!!!"
__________________
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body. But rather...To skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming... WOW !!!! What a ride!!!!!!"
thecraw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2004   #6
 
badkins's Avatar
 
Laramie, Wyoming
Paddling Since: 1992
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 499
Yikes, sounds scary! Glad you're ok, if a bit humbled. I don't know about you but every time I think I'm a bad-ass V+ paddler that song starts playing!

ps I once had a friend swim on the upper toas box, his paddle dissapeared into a sieve. He hiked back in months later, about a mile past where the trail ends, at super low water and managed to find his paddle in the sieve!
badkins is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2004   #7
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,303
A few others I thought of...although I'm sure there's more.

Class IV
You realize it is a highly prestiges honor to be the shuttle driver, and take pride in the fact that your truck has the biggest rack around.

You realize you meant to type "Stage IV" instead of "Class IV."

You haven't kayaked in months (due to injury, or something horible), and subsequently haven't missed a single post on mountain buzz. Then you get pissed off when someone talks about kayaking where you can't, and even more pissed off when no one posts anything about kayaking.

You know every design spec of every kayak made in the last 5 years, yet have no idea who won the Super Bowl...let alone last nights game.

You refer to yourself by your mtn buzz name, which is not your real name.

Stage V
You convince your girlfriend that it is a highly prestigious honor to be a Shuttle Bunny, and convince her to run your shuttle while you go and kayak.

You have enough old competition t-shirts in your closet to make a quilt, which is good because it gets cold sleeping down by the river. (Thanks Front Range Fred)

OBJ wasn't all that exciting during the day so you decided to run it while drunk...at 3:00am. Your friends didn't think you were being stupid, instead they were proud.

You constantly bitch about how the water is too low, and how that run would be a waste of time at the current level...then wonder why no one wants to paddle with you.


Damn, I could go on and on... I'm sure someone has some really hilarious ones, so please post.
__________________
Kyle McCutchen
Cutch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-01-2004   #8
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 70
You feel that A river chalked full of seives,undercuts,and strainers is A good thing. Still sounds insane to me so I must only be at the stage III+ish
marv is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-01-2004   #9
 
Denver, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1999
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 860
Glad you are okay

Craw, i am very glad you are okay. Lower Meadow is a hell of a thing to paddle let alone swim. My buddy got pinned on this section, in a nothing rapid, this spring. Scary stuff. While I was paddling down this river I thought to myself how shitty it would be to swim this river.

I guess you are on stage 5 or something like that.

My opinion of the lower meadow is this:

"Its like paddling through a spaghetti strainer, there is a way out just don't fuk up!"

P.S. Glad you got your Woody back! Life without a Woody would be pretty shitty...so to speak
marko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-01-2004   #10
Ron
 
Monroe, Utah
Paddling Since: 1990
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 137
How about your wife thinks you love your boat

more than her. Your 1st. and 2nd. wives thought the same thing. abt. stage III or so??
Ron is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.2.3

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:11 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2019 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.