Latest snowpack report from NOAA!
March 24, 2012
In its latest March summary on the current state of the snowpack in Colorado, NOAA officials issued a dire warning... "We're fucked", said Chief Meterologist, Dick Stomper. "While statewide snowpack is hovering at around 70% of average this time of year, snowpack stoke is running about 14% of average, and stoke is 2% of last year. Its going to be a major bummer of a year."
Local Paddling shops report that sales of gear are way down, and that boaters are spending their gear savings on Prozac instead. A Poudre raft guide who refused to give his name, but had a wild look in his eye, tight hot pants, and a striking PFD tan already in March, lamented, "I've blown all $27 I saved up over the winter on Prozac, and there's no Pro-Form for Prozac".
Local legend kayaker, Tom Jankey, was concerned, "My minimum for clear creek is 1000, and its looking like I won't be able to paddle at all this season. My sponsors and fans want to see video of me paddling impossible drops on huge water, not breaking my boat on rocks. Luckily for me, they are still happy looking at pics of me with my shirt off at the takeout".
There was one bright spot in the report. Harbor Freight reported that sales of plastic welders are up 1137%. "We've never seen anything like it", said store manager Bud D. Chump. "We have sold our all our stock, and the factories in China can't keep up with demand, despite bringing in 10 yr old Mongolian workers by the bus load".
State water managers are concerned as well. "We are in a piss trickle situation", said state water manager Harry Dam. "At this rate, we won't even have enough water to supply the sprinklers for the rich assholes with acres of grass".
The local medical marijuana industry is bracing for the worst as well. "My super stank dank needs plenty of water", one unnammed local grower said while shaking his head. "If we don't have water to paddle, and we don't have our green either... its going to be chaos out there. I'm building a bunker to survive the riots, and to escape the surveillance that the CIA has been deploying to spy on me."
Traffic at mountainbuzz.com is down as well. "Normally we would have huge arguements about what the best cooler is around this time" said mountainbuzz admin, Randy Horny. "If there is no water, you don't need a cooler, you keep your beer in the fridge. At least kayakers can't steal it there though". Local kayakers disagreed, noting that they are hatching plans to steal rafters beer out of their fridges by hacking into the mountainbuzz database to steal secret rafting codes and addresses.
The one group that seems unaffected are the Tubers. "We are pretty clueless", said local tubing club president Bobby Turdy. "Tubers really don't understand water, and snowpack numbers don't really impact us because 107% of use can't read, and 4000% percent of us don't understand math either."