....COMMIN' SOON..... - Mountain Buzz
 



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Old 10-04-2008   #1
 
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crested butte, Colorado
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....COMMIN' SOON.....

...due to the overwhelming number of phone calls(20-40 a season)....and the increased POPULARITY of MONTROSE....and the decreasing amount of interest i have in MONTROSE......the "IDIOT'S GUIDE" to kayaking the "MONTROSE LOWERS" will be hitting the press soon!!!...tourist numbers are on the rise in MONTROSE COUNTY and just remember what they say in the TROSE......''the women are clean but the rapids are dirty..."....i will be collaberating with my new pal, DICK COCKTOASTIN, the legendary ''ACCU-GNAR BROADCASTING" service tech...and now HEAD of operations of his latest crusade-"OPERATION WEED AND SEED"..
claims he's gonna clean up the sport.....ps...this guy has seen the shit go down!!!the stories he can tell after a couple of PBR's(post boatin' refreshments) will be sure to keep you up at night looking, hoping, dreaming of that excuse not to put on....once he got me all "pantied-up" after a few "tales from the crypt"....so, while everybody was sleeping(or trying to come up with their excuse) i cracked my hull...on purpose!!!!sorry brent...i told you it was "stupid falls"....anyhow, sponsors may include but are not limited to...THE BLACK CANYON INN(SIEVEPOT SALOON), MONTROSE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE, THE MAYOR(alex the "hotshot" hotze), Mc KUTCHEN NOODLE SUPPLIES, DAWN DISHWASHER SOAP( TECHNU, TYVECK AND THE AMERICAN PAINTER'S SUITE CO. were not ever considered as sponsors),MONTROSE 4H CLUB, HOBIE'S ADVENTURE FISHING TOURS, DRINKLOTSAMYWATER'S SIEVE EXPLORATION CO., C.FINNEY'S NOXIOUS WEED CONTROL, AND SENATOR PALIN....oh, i just recieved a call from MONTROSE MENTAL HEALTH.....they too would love to support the latest in whitewater dummy guides....this all inclusive 'IDIOT'S GUIDE" will be all you need to kayak the BLACK....including rapids in order, special dangers, wildflower, noxious weeds and geologic guide, a step by step "centerfold map" of the SUPER HIGHWAY(true portage path) with easy to follow "numbers on rocks" style formating(this may be the single most important section as it will allow you to portage way faster than your friends, creating a sense of PORTAGE-ENVY that will last forever), boofing tips and general river running tips will found in the indexes....also found in the new guide will be "down to the last paddle stroke" info for every rapid/riffle, hydration and portaging tips, and a do's and don'ts section ....a very controversial section had been ommtited but due to popular demand has been readded but will utilize very very small print...this controversial section includes %'s and charts loaded with precise uncontrolled experimental data....% ERROR is 1 in a million....this info is crosscalibrated with your ability(class 3 vs 4 vs 5 vs hairboater) and run through the MURPHY'S LAW EQUATION and if you don't cheat on your ability...you should have realistic-reliable information on locations that you might get flipped, surfed, scared, stuffed or stoned...for instance-a missed move around the BLACK DAGGER ROCK in PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE(for all boater classes in this case)=in 99% of all cases that this event occured, a flipping, a scare and a stuffing occurred...as well as extended sieve time....with easy to read and color coded charts the "IDIOT'S GUIDE" is a MUST for every montrose adventurer......waiting for the edited version....to be released on mtn buzz soon......ps....shuttles not included......jrRANGER420cb.....

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Old 10-04-2008   #2
 
Chasing H2O, CO
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285?

What???? Not even a mention for 285 Escalante as a supporting sponsor?????Jezus aged margaritas.....been getting paddlers fubared since before the word was cool.....I miss CHERRIES....what's a Box trip without the staff photographer...can't wait for the guide/memoir....
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Old 10-04-2008   #3
 
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And I'll be doing the spell check......hahahaha
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Old 10-05-2008   #4
 
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Milo, you should just stick writing children's books
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Old 10-06-2008   #5
 
Golden, Colorado
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Are the women really clean, or is that just an expression you use because it sounds good? I'm married, but I'm just curious.

PS -- will you name a rapid in honor of one of your sponsors? For Gov. Palin, how about calling one of the rapids "Left Behind" or "Second Coming" or "End Times" (in the Biblical sense) or. . .my personal favorite, one with nice sharp fresh rockfall debris..."im-Palined". YOU are the boss, but just trying to add value here.
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Old 10-06-2008   #6
 
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.....

.......SENATOR PALIN'S OFFICE....instead of PRICIPALS' OFFICE?......
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Old 10-07-2008   #7
 
Golden, Colorado
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Quote:
Originally Posted by milo View Post
.......SENATOR PALIN'S OFFICE....instead of PRICIPALS' OFFICE?......
...Now THAT'S a scary name...in the eddy above you have to wait until you hear "the Governess will see you now"...
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Old 10-07-2008   #8
 
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...Now THAT'S a scary name...in the eddy above you have to wait until you hear "the Governess will see you now"...
Naw, can't be that bad. Sounds like one of those drops where there's a lot of splishy-splashy but nothing really ever happens.
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Old 10-07-2008   #9
 
Golden, Colorado
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Count, agreed, but we'll have to monitor developments over the next month. Federal executive powers could add a lot of bite to that rapid. Could become an Un-Un-Un. Unscoutable, unportageable, and unrunnable. Lot's of spiders.
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Old 10-07-2008   #10
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
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Milo......... Are you going to put the preferred portage routes for the recently bare foot?

Also, don't wipe your ass with poison ivy, it hurts.

And try and save some water for the take out.
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