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Old 09-26-2005   #51
Front Range, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 274
Hey Kid,
I see your CO toobers, and I RAISE you our SE variety.... here, if they're not morbidly obese, shirtless, tattooed with rebel flags, beer logos, illicit substance leaves, Harley Davidson insignia, or bad portraits of topless women and/ or they mammas (topless women who happen to be they mammas perhaps?), are half-toothless, either bald or sporting a mullet (BONUS = permed mullets), clothed in JAMS or denim cutoffs, toting a cooler full of Natty Lite/ PBR/ BEAST in the cooler float they've cleverly rigged up behind them, and found travelling in packs (complete with toober larvae).... well, then they just don't count as REAL toobers!

Extra points on toober coolness if:
a) you can get them to make disparaging comments about kayakers and/ or have them actually cast a fishhook/ line in your general direction (usually requires no antagonizing on your part-- generally a friendly, "hi, how's it going?" is enough to incite said response).
b) you can get them on a tirade about George W. Bush or Christianity/ organized religion ("nice beltbuckle" usually does the trick)
c) they're singing (think drunken rendition of "sweet home alabama")
d) they call you by your given name: i.e. "you city-folk"
e) their version of "pushing you off a wave" looks more like roller-derby/ demolition-derby than someone trying to score style points (read: brute force theory-- they're a lot bigger brutes and weigh alot more than you and your friends....)
f) you can talk them into going over any drop exceeding 5' - 6' in height, without letting onto height of said river feature
g) they make unsolicited comments and attempt mating rituals (speaking in a language primarily consisted of "babys" and "honeys" and other more colorful 4-letter vernacular) with blatant disregard for male paddlers in your party-- ADDITIONAL BONUS: you're actually invited back to their trailer, or offered a guided tour of the bed of their pickup truck ADDITIONAL additional BONUS: You're a male paddler yourself (aka, "the banjo theory")

I'm sure I'll think of more.... but the catch here is, annoying as our toobers may be (and they could take a prize for it most of the time), we love 'em just the same.... why? Because of the inherent entertainment value.... I'll tell you this much: if a guy and his friend walk up to the Ocoee put-in with an inflatable alligator and an inflatable killer whale, ask me about lines, and make crystal clear their intent to run the Middle that day-- I'm not going ot get all territorial about it AT ALL. Instead, I'd wish them the best, run back to my car for a camcorder, and make sure my (still) camera has enough film to catch the carnage all the way down from Grumpy's to that last nasty little pourover below Powerhouse Ledge.... and we'd prolly even tell 'em to head left on it (read: the bad line) when they get there.

As long as they're there and entertaining the rest of us, I don't see what the big deal is??

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Old 09-26-2005   #52
BastrdSonOfElvis's Avatar
Thought-criminal, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2000
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 989
Righteous...gleaming the toob. Toob on, brothers..toob on.

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot. -Jack Handy
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Old 09-26-2005   #53
WhiteLightning's Avatar
Eagle County, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2002
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 928
I heard a story once about a tuber who put a pony keg in a tube next to his tube. He tied a rope or strap or something to the keg, other end to his ankle so it wouldn't float away. I also heard that the tube flipped on a wave or something, and said tuber sank to the bottom tied to his pony keg.

Truth or (not so) urban myth?

You be the judge, but unless pony kegs float, I would be willing to bet one of Newby's friends was in on that one.
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Old 09-26-2005   #54
Front Range, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 274
Oh c'mon, WL:
Basic toober algebraics pretty much dictate the only way to use a keg as a floatation device is to make sure you funnel beer at such a rate that air volume always exceeds malt liquor volume inside its container....

If that pony keg WASN'T floating by the time said tuber made it to the end of the river, you can damn well bet this incident took place somewhere out on/ near the FRONT RANGE, and not in *our* neck of the woods. NO self-respecting southeastern redneck toober worth his water wings would've EVER left that much alcohol untouched!
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Old 09-26-2005   #55
WhiteLightning's Avatar
Eagle County, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2002
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 928
This is true, unless said keg of Bush Light was the RESERVE keg...

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