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Old 03-08-2007   #71
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Michael and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Michael's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his
mom if Michael and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Michael and Mary up

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Michael and Mary up

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I
think.....I gave him my airplane glue."

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Old 03-20-2007   #72
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A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The
mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this
world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge
asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar
into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

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Old 03-20-2007   #73
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It doesn't matter what party you belong to -- this is hilarious.
From a show on Canadian TV there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the
nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
"I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but
what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
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Old 03-22-2007   #74
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The Rabbi and the IRS

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo
(bread) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Old 04-02-2007   #75
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have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (Duh!)

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he laughingly staggered to the door.
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Old 04-06-2007   #76
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The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one
pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other
products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top
10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well foreveryone !! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up !

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
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Old 04-06-2007   #77
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I should let Caverdan tell this as he seems to be the joke master, but I 'll give it a go.

So this young kayaker dude is coming up on his wedding date and he is at his girlfriends house. The girl's father is concerned about the faithfulness of the young man and so while the young couple are in the living room with the bride's younger sister, the father asks the future bride to please come outside to the front yard for a moment. So the hot little sister, who happens to be a raft guide, starts coming on really hard to the guy. She's telling him how a little action before the wedding won't hurt a thing, her being a sister and all. So she starts heading up the stairs in her little short skirt and pulls off her panties and throws them at the guy, pleading for him to follow her.
So the guy gets up, runs out the front door and in the front yard he finds the rest of the family and all the neighbors and they're all clapping and cheering that he past the test.

So the moral of the story is 'always keep your condoms in your car."

Sorry for the kayaker / raft guide references. Tried to make it river related.
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Old 04-26-2007   #78
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Originally Posted by rwhyman View Post
I should let Caverdan tell this as he seems to be the joke master, but I 'll give it a go.
I'm sorry, but I cut and paste all my jokes.................I'm terrable at telling jokes in person or thinking any of this stuff up. Here's one for tax time........tis the season.

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and
then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No. That
won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being
a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."
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Old 04-26-2007   #79
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Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America , well-developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France - Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia , lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia , very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
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Old 04-29-2007   #80
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra.' It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

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