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Old 02-09-2007   #61
Andy H.'s Avatar
Wheat Ridge, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1995
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 2,911
A blonde has her vintage MG towed into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Nothing in the world is more yielding and gentle than water. Yet it has no equal for conquering the resistant and tough. The flexible can overcome the unbending; the soft can overcome the hard. - Lao Tse
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Old 02-20-2007   #62
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 11
sorry, had to add this one.. . . ..

why are men so bad at math?

b/c all their life they have been told that this ___________________ is six inches

so, one day god was having a chat with his favorite creation, adam. he told adam, "you are the favorite of all my creations, is there anything that i can do to make life here in eden better? anything at all to make you more comfortable?"

adam thought for a while and finally answered, "you know, everything here is so wonderful, i would never complain, but since you asked, i have been kind of lonely. i would really appreciate a companion."

god immediately answered. "i have actually been thinking about this lately. i have the perfect solution to this problem. i will make you a mate that is beautiful, smart, she will cook all of your meals, keep eden spic and span, wash your clothes and clean your dishes. she will never complain and she will be great in bed. everything you desire, she will provide!"

"wow!" adam responded. "what do I have to do to receive such a gift?"

"all I need," god replied, "is an arm and a leg."

adam thought long and hard about this. finally he answered, "well, what can i get for a rib?"

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Old 02-22-2007   #63
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Home Depot Scam

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over
the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends!

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you
for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the
back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals
your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th,20th, & 24th. Also December 1st, 3rd, twice on the 5th, three times
just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to PLEASE be careful!!!
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Old 02-24-2007   #64
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
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Old 02-27-2007   #65
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullsh#t with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.

You're a United States Senator from New York . Act like one.
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Old 02-27-2007   #66
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a
Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise
to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday,
I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
"I would like to buy you a drink, too. "The old woman says,
"Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you one, too.
"The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender,
I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water,
however, is a whole other issue."
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Old 02-28-2007   #67
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
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Old 02-28-2007   #68
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Summit, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1996
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,085
Send a message via AIM to COUNT
Government Pipe Specifications:

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site.

N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

"The world would be a better place if everyone kayaked."-Brad Ludden (Valhalla)
"You only get one chance to run a drop blind."-DD
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Old 03-07-2007   #69
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,

wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?

Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture .

there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!

Eet EES a bacon tree!"

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;

We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...





... Eees a Ham Bush!
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Old 03-08-2007   #70
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
One for the girls

One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on & doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

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