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Old 12-10-2006   #51
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 43
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

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Old 12-10-2006   #52
Join Date: Jan 2006
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A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

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Old 12-10-2006   #53
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 43
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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Old 12-12-2006   #54
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C. Springs, Colorado
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In a recent t.v. news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal, however, that Louella was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable, condition, and Louella has been charged with ...






... A Misdewiener!
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Old 12-13-2006   #55
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Thought-criminal, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2000
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 989
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are leaving LA on the same aircraft, driving from the same part of town to LAX. Who gets there first?

The lesbians, because while they're already doing 69 in the car the fags are still packing their shit!
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot. -Jack Handy
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Old 12-19-2006   #56
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden,but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him,was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
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Old 12-24-2006   #57
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
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One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita,let's do Weeweechu"

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

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Old 01-14-2007   #58
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
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A news article from a Florida Newspaper (the Sun Sentinal) read ...

"When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "... generic white cardboard box filled with grayish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdalepolice said "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's door step. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was this note.
It said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
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Old 02-09-2007   #59
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically,
orally, and by hand. This virus is called
Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK
from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you
should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take
two good friends to the nearest liquor store. Purchase the
antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the
antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated
from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends.
If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected,
and WORK is controlling your life.

Enjoy your life!
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Old 02-09-2007   #60
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Posts: 1,443
>Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for
>the Southern Colorado market:
>"Castle Rock Barbie"
>This princess Barbie is sold only at Nordstrom. She comes with an
>assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog
>named Honey
>and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face
>lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
>"Briargate Barbie"
>The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan
>and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time
>Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
>"Southside Springs Barbie"
>This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a
>Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only
>available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small,
>bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking
>"Pine Creek Barbie"
>This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
>Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
>membership. Also
>available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You
>won't be able to
>afford any of them.
>"Peyton Barbie"
>This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
>small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a
>six-pack of Bud
>light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick
>mullet-haired Ken's
>butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a
>confederate flag
>bumper sticker absolutely free.
>"Pueblo Barbie"
>This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
>high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
>beer-gutted Ken out of Peyton
>Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake
>fingernails, and a
>see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
>"Manitou Barbie"
>This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
>arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks.
>She prefers that you call her
>Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two
>Manitou Barbies
>and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
>"Widefield Barbie"
>This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories
>include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available,
>but are now very
>difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
>"Trinidad Barbie/Ken"
>This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
>adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

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