One bloke goes to see his mate, all excited. "You know that new gas station around the corner? Well, they have this special deal. You guess a number between 1 and 10 and if you get it right, they take you around back and give you a free fuck!" His mate is incredulous "No way, that can't be right!" To which the first bloke replies "No, my wife won three times last week!"
A kayaker and a raft guide were walking down a road and see a sheep stuck in a fence. The kayaker says "I wish that was a beautiful woman stuck there" and the raft guide replies "I wish it was dark"
Why did god create woman?.....Beacuse sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Whitewater difficulty: Class I: If you swim, you just get back in your boat ... and your friends all laugh at you. Class II: If you swim, you grab your boat and paddle, swim to shore
... and your friends all laugh at you. Class III: If you swim, you get bruised a little, your friends gather up your boat and paddle
... and they all laugh at you. Class IV: If you swim, you get the cr*p beaten out of you; it takes your friends awhile to find
your boat and paddle... and then they all laugh at you. Class V: If you swim, your paddle is never seen again, one of your friends gets to keep your
boat, another keeps your significant other, they split your life insurance, and at the memorial service
... they all laugh at you.
I just got married a few weeks ago. So of course the question I am constantly getting is how is married life. Well turned the question around on this older that had been married for 15 years and asked him what married life was like. He said:
The first 5 years are great your having sex 4-5 a week and it's awesome.
The second 5 years are ok your having sex 2-3 times a week and its not too bad.
The third 5 years all your doing is having oral sex.
I said: "Really!"
"Yep! she stands on one side of the room and says "Fuck You" and I stand on the other side of the room and say "NO, fuck you!"
Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a
motorcycle. They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask
him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the truck as he is
carrying
20,000 bowling balls.
The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit
in the back with their bike will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the
back of the truck so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his
way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The
good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
jokingly-- "Mexican eggs".
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a
look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He
gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many.officers
as
possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so
many
officers.
"I've got a truck with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it - 2 have hatched
and the bastards have managed to steal a motorcycle already."
__________________
Rusty
"There's a strange sense of pleasure being beat to hell by a storm when you're on a ship that is not going to sink."
The owner of a golf course in Amarillo was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." (You gotta love those West Texas women.)
__________________
Rusty
"There's a strange sense of pleasure being beat to hell by a storm when you're on a ship that is not going to sink."
Ron was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it And found a brand new bathroom scale.
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar, looking rather lonely. He sat down next to her and offered to buy her a drink. Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I scr*w anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n*ked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives Bubba a blan k check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing."
"You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at
his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?" "What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
__________________
Rusty
"There's a strange sense of pleasure being beat to hell by a storm when you're on a ship that is not going to sink."
Hybrid Mode
