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Old 04-21-2010   #331
rwhyman's Avatar
Unincorporated Douglas County, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 961
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope
that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge
of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although
with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Karma is like this: If we set causes in motion the effects come back to us.
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Old 04-22-2010   #332
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,132
The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I
wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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Old 04-24-2010   #333
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,132
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck! Tech Support
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Old 09-08-2010   #334
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?

She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
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Old 11-12-2010   #335
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,132

ARLINGTON --Practice at the NFL's Cowboys stadium was delayed nearly two hours this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially the NFL team thought it was a prank! Practice was immediately suspended, while police and Homeland Security officials were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, Dallas Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the GOAL LINE!!!!

Practice will resume this afternoon after Police and Homeland Security decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
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Old 11-16-2010   #336
Palisade, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1975
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 181

There was an old man from Boston
Who drove a sporty Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung so low
That he lost 'em
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Old 11-24-2010   #337
Palisade, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1975
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 181
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on , she became
> Aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
> Come up to the height of the first step of the bus..
> Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
> Driver , she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little ,
> Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
> She tried to take the step , only to discover that she couldn't.
> So , a little more embarrassed , she once again reached
> Behind her to unzip her skirt a little more , and for the
> Second time attempted the step.
> Once again , much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg.
> With a little smile to the driver , she again reached behind
> To unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
> About this time , a large Texan who was standing
> Behind her picked her up easily by the waist
> And placed her gently on the step of the bus.
> She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan
> And yelled , 'How dare you touch my body!
> I don't even know who you are!'
> The Texan smiled and drawled , 'Well , ma'am , normally I would agree
> with you ,
> But after you unzipped my fly three times , I kinda figured we was
> friends.'
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Old 12-02-2010   #338
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
I was driving home a couple Friday nights ago, on a typical Colorado gravel road, heading to a local restaurant to meet my wife. I had just crested a hill, when a rabbit ran out of the woods and hit my right front wheel. I tried to swerve, and was hoping we would avoid a collision, but WHAP! I felt it hit the wheel.

Pulling to the side of the road, I got out and walked around to see this poor bunny not crushed, but sort of glommed onto the wheel cover.

Just at that moment, another car came over the hill, and seeing that I was off to the side, stopped. The driver got out and came to see if I was OK. "I'm fine," I said, "but I can't say the same for the rabbit," pointing at the wheel.

He looked at the rabbit, then said, "Hang on a minute," and walked back to his car, grabbed a can, and came back. He leaned over the bunny and sprayed it with this liquid.

The rabbit's one ear sort of popped up, then the other, then the entire rabbit sort of slumped to the ground, pulled itself up, and started hopping away. But, it stopped, turned, and seemed to lift a paw, as if to say, "Thanks."

It turned again, hopped some more, turned back, and raised it's paw again, hopped away a few more stops, turned again - same thing.

I said to the other driver, "What the heck do you have in the can?"

"Oh," he replied, "Just some hare restorer, with a permanent wave."
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Old 12-03-2010   #339
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor
>> comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you
>> probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
>> You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis
>> was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
>> The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
>> compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
>> They work great but they don't come cheap . It's $1000 an inch."
>> The man perks up and the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches
>> you want, but this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you
>> had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out.
>> If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a
>> five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important for her to have a voice
>> in helping you make a decision."
>> The man agrees to discuss it with his wife. The doctor meets with him the
>> next day, "So, have you talked this over with your wife?"
>> "Yes I have."
>> "And what decision have you reached?," asks the doctor.
>> "We're getting granite countertops."
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Old 12-03-2010   #340
Palisade, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1975
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 181
A bear walks into a bar, takes a seat on a stool, then asks the bartender for a beer. Whithout any comment the bartender pours a glass of beer and sets it down for the bear. The bear finishes the beer and orders another one. Again without comment the tender draws and delivers a second beer for the bear. While drinking this beer a skanky woman comes into the bar, sits down next to the bear and orders a cocktail. When she gets her drink she starts yapping at the bear. This goes on for awhile and the bear starts to get bothered 'cause this dame won't stop talking. A minute later the bear turns on the woman and bites her head off, then finishes his last sip of beer. The bear asks the bartender for another and the bartender says "I can't serve you any more". The bear asks why not and the bartender replies " It's because you're a drug addict". Confused the bear asks "what do you mean?" The bartender says its obvious, " that was the bar-bitch-you-ate"

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