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Old 02-19-2010   #321
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,
an Anchorage man answered his door to find two
grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news,
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?≤

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said,
"Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked,
"What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had
12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs
clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, ! Mr. Wilkens demanded,
"If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

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Old 02-22-2010   #322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,132
Subject: The Cremated Husband...........................

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember
that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

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Old 02-23-2010   #323
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
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Old 03-03-2010   #324
Farmington, New Mexico
Paddling Since: 2006
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 15
So there where 3 pieces of rope that have been walking through the desert for almost a week, without food or water. So, they are very dehydrated, on the verge of death.

Then out of no where, they find a bar. The go to walk in but they notice there is a sign that reads "We don't serve rope!!!"

The 1st rope says "I'm gonna risk it. Maybe he will be sympathetic since I am so close to death." So the rope goes in and plops onto the bar stool. The bartender comes over and lends on the the bar and asks "Are you a rope?" To which the ropes say "Yes sir but..." *BANG BANG* The bartender shoots the the rope dead!

The other pieces of rope are shocked! They stay outside for about another hour, when the 2nd piece of rope decides to try his luck. He says, "I can die out here or in there trying to live." So he goes in and scoots over to the bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "You're a rope ain't ya!" "Yea..." *BANG BANG*

The last rope is horrified. But he has an idea. He goes in to the street and starts rolling around, until he is really scuffed and beat up. He then ties himself into one big knot. Now he drags himself into the bar and pulls himself up to the bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "You're a rope ain't ya!"

To which the rope says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!!!"
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Old 03-16-2010   #325
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,132
Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
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Old 03-18-2010   #326
Ft Fun, Colorado
Paddling Since: 0001
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 207
do you think a camel looks at its foot and goes "damn i got pussy toe"?
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Old 03-24-2010   #327
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,132
FIVE Surgeons.....

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are completely interchangeable."
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Old 04-02-2010   #328
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
For the golfers
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

Why did Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree? He couldn’t decide between an iron or a wood.

What were Tiger Wood’s and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They were clubbing.

What club did Elin use to 'rescue' her husband? A bitching wedge.

The Chinese are making a movie about Tiger’s crash. They are calling it, " Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger.

Tiger had to change his nickname. It’s now Cheetah.

What do Tiger Wood’s and baby seals have in common? They're both clubbed by Norwegians !

Why did Tiger crash his car? He was in a rush to move on to the second hole!

What did Tiger's wife tell the police when asked how many times she hit him? She said "I don't know exactly, but put me down for a 5."

Tiger owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

Why did Phil Mickelson contact Tiger's wife? To pick up tips on how to beat Tiger!

What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.

Why is Tiger Wood’s wife the only person who has been able to beat him with a golf club? Because, it wasn’t the golf tournament that he should have pulled out of.

How does Tiger Wood’s like his golf balls? Like his woman, White with dimples

What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods........... Santa Stops after three HO's
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Old 04-07-2010   #329
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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Old 04-14-2010   #330
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,132
A Letter To Jessie James:

A Letter To Jessie James:

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."
You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkiní away.
You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!
How can you live with yourself!
I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:
Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Letís do lunch.

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