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Old 12-18-2009   #311
Self-Aggrandizing jackass
heliodorus04's Avatar
The Ranch, Colorado
Paddling Since: 04
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,134
Did you hear about the dyslexic, insomniac atheist?
He lies awake nights wondering if there's a Dog.

"self-aggrandizing jackass" - it says it right on the label
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Old 12-24-2009   #312
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
A hunter comes out of the woods and meets a buddy.
The buddy asks how the hunting went.
He replies "I got 3 Nopleeze."
His buddy looks at him kinda puzzled and asked "What's a Nopleeze?"
The hunter says "I don't know either, but three of them jumped out of the bushes and yelled 'nopleeze! nopleeze!'"

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Old 12-24-2009   #313
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
A blonde walked into a bar ..................................the brunette ducked.
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Old 01-02-2010   #314
Portland, Oregon
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 8
What did one toilet seat say to another toilet seat?

Here comes another a$$hole.
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Old 01-15-2010   #315
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,133
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the
blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of
the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly..' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball,
picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme,

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
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Old 01-15-2010   #316
Kendo's Avatar
Denver, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1993
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 155
Originally Posted by caverdan View Post
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are OUR rules:
Please noteÖ these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. Youíre a big girl. If itís up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You donít hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. Itís like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!

1. ĎYesí and ĎNoí are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thatís what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think youíre fat, you probably are. Donít ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothingís wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you donít want an answer to, expect an answer you donít want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Donít ask us what weíre thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Guns

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Donít try to change that.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really donít mind that, itís like camping
this was too funny and too true! haha
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Old 01-17-2010   #317
El Flaco's Avatar
Golden, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1984
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,879
The Management Lesson

Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Michael said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and
The boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,
'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
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Old 01-21-2010   #318
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,133
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap.
I bet you cant tell me anything that will make me both happy and sad at the same time".

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis".
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Old 01-30-2010   #319
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,133
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
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Old 02-02-2010   #320
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,133

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?
Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

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