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Old 11-22-2009   #301
Land of Lovin, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2006
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,449
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

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Old 11-23-2009   #302
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are OUR rules:
Please noteÖ these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. Youíre a big girl. If itís up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You donít hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. Itís like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!

1. ĎYesí and ĎNoí are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thatís what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think youíre fat, you probably are. Donít ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothingís wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you donít want an answer to, expect an answer you donít want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Donít ask us what weíre thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Guns

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Donít try to change that.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really donít mind that, itís like camping

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Old 11-23-2009   #303
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
New Boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his
wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and
walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice
anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's
hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,

'Nope', she replied.


Without changing her expression,
Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert..
Shoulda bought a hat.'
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Old 11-23-2009   #304
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
the ranch hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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Old 11-25-2009   #305
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,131
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!".
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Old 11-25-2009   #306
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Mesa, Arizona
Paddling Since: 1993
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 259
Speaking of parties....there was this woman that loved to do her house work in the nude, one day she was working along and it got late in the afternoon when she remembered that she had a fancy dinner engagement with her husband that night and she did not have shoes to match the outfit she had purchased for the event. So, she throws on a house dress and scoots down to the fancy shoe store to try on some shoes (here comes the part that shows my age). At the store the sales man is getting shoes and helping her try them on. Every time she puts her foot up on the pedestal the sales man gets an eye full up her dress. She tries on several pairs and the guy starts getting heated up. Finally he says, "Lady, if you put ice cream in that thing I'll eat it!"

She gets totally offended and storms off...when her husband gets home he asks her how her day went and she goes off, "I had the rudest shoe salesman wait on me today! He kept looking up my skirt and finally told me if I put ice cream in my 'thing' he'd eat it! I want you to go down there and kick his a**!"

Well, the guy gets up...slowly...goes out, gets in his car and drives down the drive. A minute later he comes back in the house and sits back down on the couch.

His wife says, "what are you doing, aren't you going down there to kick that guys arse?!?"

The man replies, "Well honey, I got to thinking about it and anyone who can eat that much ice cream got to be a big mother f*cker....."
Whether U Think U Can, or Think U Can't; U R Right!
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Old 12-03-2009   #307
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Unincorporated Douglas County, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 961
Q. Do you know how men from Wyoming practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Karma is like this: If we set causes in motion the effects come back to us.
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Old 12-13-2009   #308
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said, 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

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Old 12-18-2009   #309
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,131
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line. Here's the situation:

You are in Louisiana; New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever. You have two options - you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high-contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
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Old 12-18-2009   #310
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Mesa, Arizona
Paddling Since: 1993
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 259
What do the reindeer's wives do on Xmas eve when the boys are out pulling Santa's sleigh?

Head to the nearest Elk's lodge to blow a few bucks!

Happy Holidays!

Whether U Think U Can, or Think U Can't; U R Right!
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