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Old 10-26-2006   #21
Grangeville, Idaho
Paddling Since: 2002
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 102
What do you call a deceased blonde you find in the closet?
-1999 Hide-and-Go-Seek Champion

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Old 10-30-2006   #22
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
>A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
>"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
>"They're mating," her father replied.
>"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
>"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
>"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
>As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
>The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not hav'in any of that Broke Back Mountain gay go'ins on in our garden." she said

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Old 10-30-2006   #23
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Here is one more for those Monday morning blues.
A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through
the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done:
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its
side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?"

"Uh...yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to thank you.

You see, I am a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years.

Now that you have released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the
last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said

"And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and
natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"

"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the
same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they
spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old...and both of you
still believe in genies?"
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Old 10-30-2006   #24
Andy R's Avatar
Somewhere on, Earth
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 262
Finding inner peace

Finding inner peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace was to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle of tequilla, a bottle of Jager Meister, a bottle of Rumplemintz, my bag of kind, the remainder of the Valium prescriptions, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
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Old 11-02-2006   #25
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
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Old 11-02-2006   #26
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Summit, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1996
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Sad news...

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went
unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey"
died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family
was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the
trouble started.

"The world would be a better place if everyone kayaked."-Brad Ludden (Valhalla)
"You only get one chance to run a drop blind."-DD
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Old 11-03-2006   #27
Vail, Colorado
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 334
A man and his wife leave the Dr's office and proceed to go home and wait for his call relinquishing her test results.

The Dr. phoned the two and said " I have bad news"
"What is it" said the husband.
"We mixed up the lab test results so either your wife has Aids or Alzheimers" The Dr. replied
"Geez! What can we do?" He said
"Well you can come back in and take the two tests and find out which one is negative but, those are both very expensive tests to conduct"
"I know, we don't have insurance and I can't afford to do those tests" The husband said...... "Dr., what do you suggest we do?"
"Well" said the Dr. "you could do what I would do, drive her out to the middle of the city, drop her off and if she finds her way back home don't F%ck her."
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Old 11-03-2006   #28
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Thought-criminal, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2000
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 989
A plane crashes over the south pacific and there are only two survivors. Both men, they swim ashore a small island. They've barely caught their breath when they find themselves surrounded by spear-toting natives. The men are taken to their village, hands bound.

Their arrival is met with incredible celibration: dancing and beating of drums. They are terrified. A man in an elaborate head dress -- apparently the chief -- raises his hands and hushes the crowd. In heavily accented English, he solemnly speaks to the first man:

"Death or Unga-Bunga?"

The man turns to his companion.

"What the fuck is Unga-bunga?"

"Beats me...but it sounds better than death..right?" he replies.

"Word" and then to the chief "I'll choose...Unga-Bunga?"

"UNGA-BUNGA!!" erupts the chief. The crowd explodes into drum beating, grunting and dancing. Seconds later, an enormous island brutha throws the animal skins open on his tent and steps naked onto the scene. His erect penis can only be described as monstrous.

He bends over the poor soul and proceeds to sodomize him mercilessly as the other man looks on, astonished. When he is done, the man lie still, whimpering and bleeding from the ass.

The chief again raises his hands and a hush falls the crowd.

"Death...or Unga-Bunga?" he asks.

"FUCK THAT SHIT, holms, I choose DEATH!" the second man exclaims.

A hesitant moment of silence prevails...the tension unbearable for the man. Finally, the chief speaks...

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot. -Jack Handy
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Old 11-03-2006   #29
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Summit, Colorado
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In a small Texas town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

"The world would be a better place if everyone kayaked."-Brad Ludden (Valhalla)
"You only get one chance to run a drop blind."-DD
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Old 11-04-2006   #30
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 41
Whats the difference between a snow tire and 365 blowjobs?

One's a Goodyear the the other's a Great Year!

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