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Old 10-03-2009   #271
Ft Fun, Colorado
Paddling Since: 0001
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why does a woman wear white on her wedding day???

you want the dishwasher to match the stove and the fridge

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Old 10-03-2009   #272
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C. Springs, Colorado
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At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything...... including human beings. Little Jonny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him laying down as though he were ill. She asked him what the matter was. Jonny said "I have a pain in my side........... I think I'm going to have a wife!"

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Old 10-04-2009   #273
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C. Springs, Colorado
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A guy walks into a bar in Wyoming and orders white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
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Old 10-05-2009   #274
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C. Springs, Colorado
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Duck Hunting

A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.

Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed , our duck hunter is approached by his doctor.

“Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter “So what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon ?”

“Not exactly.” answered the doctor... “She’s a flute player in the local symphony orchestra, and she’ll to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

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Old 10-05-2009   #275
Avon, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2009
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Posts: 51
How do you make a dead baby float?

Add root beer and ice cream.
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Old 10-06-2009   #276
Farmington, New Mexico
Paddling Since: 2006
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Why do mermaids were seashells?

Cause B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big!
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Old 10-06-2009   #277
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
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A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect
breasts. He approaches her and says, "Miss, would ye let me bite ye
breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. "Would ye let me bite ye breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.
"Listen, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would
ye let me bite ye breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; O.K.,
just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them,
fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in
them, but not biting them...
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them
or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman.... "Costs too much..."
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Old 10-06-2009   #278
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C. Springs, Colorado
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A Arkansas hunter was out doing a little duck hunting one day when a game warden showed up. The warden asked for the guy's hunting license, and the hunter obliges. The warden continues to inspect all the kills from the day. He picks up one duck, looks at the butt and say, "Son, this is a Texas duck! If you don't have a Texas hunting license, I'll have to ticket you." The hunter pulls out a Texas hunting license. The warden picks up another duck, looks at the butt and says, "Son, this is a Tennessee duck, you got a license for that?" The hunter doesn't say anything, but hands the warden his Tennessee license. The warden looks at another duck's butt and says, "This duck is from Missouri, I'll have to see your license for that." The hunter doesn't say anything still and just hands the warden his Missouri license. The warden's getting irritated by now and takes a look at another duck's butt. The warden goes for an all out and says, "Son, this duck is from New York, and I bet you don't have that license." The hunter doesn't say anything and hands the warden his New York hunting license.

Exasperated the warden asks, "Son, just where the heck are you from!!!" The hunter tuns around, pulls his waders down, bends over bearing his snow white butt and says, "You're the freaking expert, you tell me!"
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Old 10-07-2009   #279
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C. Springs, Colorado
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ..... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the snot out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago .. ...'
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Old 10-07-2009   #280
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The High Ground, Colorado
Join Date: Mar 2008
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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited hooker!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road shaking hands, when the truck hit us."

"Let us cross the river to the other side and rest beneath the shade of the trees." ~ Last words of Thomas Jonathan ''Stonewall' Jackson
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