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Old 02-15-2009   #251
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
A fart is a pleasant thing,

It gives the belly ease,

It warms the bed in winter,

And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,

A fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful,

poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known

To sound like a song.

A fart can create

A most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless,

Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,

While others are vile -

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger a while.

A fart can occur

In a number of places,

And leave everyone there,

With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,

To small elevators,

A fart will find all of

Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,

Is simply not true-

We must never forget.......

Nice old farts like you!!!

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Old 02-19-2009   #252
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,and as he shows her around
his apartment,She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and
hundreds of cute cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken

quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had

put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the

bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering

thelength of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously

masculine guy to have such a large

collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive

side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after
awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek, looks deeply

into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from

the middle shelf'

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Old 03-02-2009   #253
kayakfreakus's Avatar
Steamboat, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1999
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 887
*Irish Lent*

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry , walks into the
pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but
serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three

This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks
three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering
about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you
always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and
one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other
that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of
keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon
the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride
to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch
him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender
pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the

He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are
offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me
first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You
know-the two beers and all"

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to
hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."
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Old 04-01-2009   #254
kayakfreakus's Avatar
Steamboat, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1999
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 887
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests,

she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, 'Hello. My name is Carmen.'

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied. 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most: cars and men. Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'. What's your name?'

He answered 'B.J. Titsenkayak'

***edited from lame original golf ending that I got at work
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Old 04-05-2009   #255
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
A man and his wife are having sex when their 10 year old son walks in on them.
The son screams "OH MY GOD!!" then runs out of the room. The man laughs and says "Give him a few minutes to calm down then I'll go in and explain to him what was goin on".

A few minutes later he walks into his son's room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams "OH MY GOD!!" "YEAH", his son says, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"
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Old 04-19-2009   #256
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Monthly vacation cabin for women........yes......I'll probably go to HELL for this one.

Custom Designed Menstrual Shacks Exquisitely Crafted
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Old 04-19-2009   #257
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,136
6 AFFAIRS (Do not read if you're timid)

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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Old 05-01-2009   #258
Self-Aggrandizing jackass
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The Ranch, Colorado
Paddling Since: 04
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,134
"self-aggrandizing jackass" - it says it right on the label
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Old 09-23-2009   #259
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Two rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."
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Old 09-23-2009   #260
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Birmingham, Alabama
Paddling Since: 1995
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 18
Why couldent Helen Keller drive?

cause she was a woman

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