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Old 11-07-2008   #231
caverdan's Avatar
C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the tee-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in
almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to
me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all
... Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her tee-shirt
Still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

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Old 11-16-2008   #232
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

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Old 11-25-2008   #233
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
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Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!
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Old 12-12-2008   #234
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Unincorporated Douglas County, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 961
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies


1 cup water
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 (750 ml) bottle tequila (Jose Cuervo or your other favorite brand)


1. Sample the tequila to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the
highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup tequila and drink.
4. Turn on the electric mixer.
5. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one peastoon of sugar.
7. Beat again.
8. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok, so
try another cup just in case.
9. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
10. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

11. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
12. Mix on the turner
13. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
15. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
16. Who geeves a sheet.
17. Check the tequila.
18. Add one table.
19. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
20. Whatever you can find.
21. Greash the oven.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the quetila
and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
25. Cherry Mistmas !
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Old 12-19-2008   #235
I'm right 50% of the time
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Paddling Since: 1977
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 857
2 kayakers are dropping into gore canyon.

The first guy says to the second, "Hey Dude, guess what! I got a new kayak for my wife!"

The second guy looks over his shoulder and says, "Hey, nice trade!"
Claimer: Someone that makes a claim that they have been there and done that, can do anything you can do better than you. I hate "claimers"
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Old 01-06-2009   #236
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Durango, Colorado
Paddling Since: 05
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,477
This will get him to work!

Not a joke- this is really an ad I saw on Craig's List. Cracked me up.

Free: Cute park bench in need of some TLC. Still fully functional, my husband sits on it everyday. Need gone ASAP.

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Old 01-10-2009   #237
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Johnny says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
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Old 01-11-2009   #238
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
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Old 01-15-2009   #239
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Unincorporated Douglas County, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 961
Moose Hunting

Sarah and Todd Palin got a pilot to fly them up north to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only four moose.

Sarah and Todd objected strongly: "Last year we shot six. The pilot
let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded however, even
on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Sarah and Todd survived the

After climbing out of the wreckage, Sarah asked Todd, "Any idea where
we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Old 01-19-2009   #240
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another

6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

1 to state that a light bulb does not emit light, it sucks dark. After it is full, it stays dark.

Just Sayin'

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