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Old 06-23-2008   #211
Littleton, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1998
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 263
RIP George carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

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Old 06-23-2008   #212
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B.F.E., Wyoming
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 907
^^Doesn't do it justice. Gotta go with the actual vid

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Old 06-24-2008   #213
Littleton, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1998
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 263
Originally Posted by freexbiker View Post
^^Doesn't do it justice. Gotta go with the actual vid

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Old 06-24-2008   #214
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 403
A mailman is on his last day working his route.
He has been working the route for years and everybody knows him and really likes him.
So he's going around saying bye to everybody and people have been giving him little gifts to show their appreciation.

He goes to one house and he says, "Hey it's my last day thanks for letting me deliver the mail to you when the lady grabs him and takes him upstairs and has mad sex with him, just rocks his world, and then they walk down to the kitchen and she gives him a cup of fresh brewed coffee.

The mailman says "What did I do to deserve this? I know I've been a good mailman but you just rocked my world and gave me a fresh cup of coffee, what do this".

The lady replies "My husband and I were discussing what to get you since you've been such a good mailman and my husband said: Fuck him, give him a cup of coffee".
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Old 06-25-2008   #215
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Boulder, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1996
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 113
Suprise Package

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!" "Then, who is it?" Jim asks. Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
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Old 06-27-2008   #216
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Boulder, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1996
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 113
I want one of these!!!

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty." With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, "I want two more of these."
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Old 06-30-2008   #217
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna,
were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch,
pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled,
"You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"
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Old 07-01-2008   #218
arkriverrat's Avatar
Boulder, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1996
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 113
"Knock Knock."

"Who's There?"

"Smell Mop."

"Smell Mop who?"

Heh, Heh, Heh....
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Old 07-08-2008   #219
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
There was a Green Beret who had four daughters. He was in a habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a sawed-off shotgun.

One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there. The young man says: "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The Green Beret thought that was cute so he let them go out.

Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said: "My name is Lance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again the Green Beret thought it was cute and let them go.

Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Once again the Green Beret thought it was cute and he let them go.

Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said: "My name is Chuck,............."

The Green Beret shot him.
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Old 09-26-2008   #220
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately -- illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ..

Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

Think about this:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.

It is time for America to speak up!

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