OT - Joke Wars

[eljim]

How to you get 50 dead babies into a phone booth?

Alot of blenders.

How do you get them out?

Alot of tortilla chips.

[TakemetotheRiver]

What's the best gift for a dead baby?

A dead puppy.

[freexbiker]

A blonde was driving down the road when she looked to her left and saw another blonde paddling her kayak in a field of crops.
She pulled over, got out and shoute to the blonde in the kayak, "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! You're lucky I can't swim, else I'd come over there and sort you out!

[caverdan]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.



"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.



"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.



The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well.....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

[Jay H]

The young indian brave said to his father, the tribal chief: “how do you name the braves and squaws”. The chief replies: “we name you after the first thing we see when a new brave is born. When your older brother, “Running Bear”, was born we saw a young black bear running, and when your cousin, ‘Soaring Eagle’ was born we saw a bald eagle soaring in the sky. Why do you ask, ‘Two Dogs Fucking’ ?

[caverdan]

You know It's Time To diet When......

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
Doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk
Carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

[caverdan]

To make a woman happy a man only needs to be:


1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

44. Compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly

46. Love shopping

47. Be honest

48. Be very rich

49. Not stress her out

50. Not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!


1. Show up naked
2. Bring food/Beer

[caverdan]

A man goes to a doctor to get a physical examine. The doctor looks him over and tells him he needs to stop masturbating. “Why?” asks the man. “Because I’m trying to examine you” replies the doctor

[CheckYoSelf]

Did you hear about the girl that had her left arm and leg bit off by a shark?

She's alright.

[CheckYoSelf]

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."