The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black.
The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes.
The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde?
The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with
experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent
>>> is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis
van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much
pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)
__________________
"any man who would trade freedom for security, deserves neither freedom nor security" Thomas Jefferson
All's fair in love and (joke) war, but with all the blond bashing, female trashing jokes so far, I'm starting to feel sorry for ya'll. Ladies, don't be afraid to jump in and tell a few male bashing jokes. Here's one for ya.
You've all heard many stories about 'why did the chicken cross the road'.
Butt did you hear......why did the man cross the road???
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because he was stuck in the chicken!!
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel on his crotch. The pirate approaches the bar
"Arr, I'll have a beer and a shot of whiskey".
He finishes quickly and says "Arr'll take antoher round"
After about 5 rounds the bartender looked at him and said "This one is on me buddy but I have to ask you a question, Whats with the steering wheel hangin' from your crotch?"
The pirate responds with "ARRRRRR it drives me nuts!"
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better i dea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted...............twice.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
> new wives duties.
>
> The first man had married a woman from Connecticut, and bragged that he
> had told his wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning . He said that
> it took a couple of days, but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house
> and all the dishes were washed and put away.
>
> The second man had married a woman from Iowa. He bragged that he had
> given his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. He said
> he did not see any results the first day, the second day things were a
> little better, but by the 3rd day the house was clean, the dishes were
> done and he had a huge dinner on the table
>
> The third man had married a girl from Colorado. He boasted that he
> told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
> lawn mowed, laundry done, and she was to have hot meals on the table for
> every meal. He said that the first day he didn't see anything. The
> second day he didn't see anything. By the 3rd day, the swelling had gone
> down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself
> a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and phone a landscaper.
Great joke!
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