OT - Joke Wars

[st2eelpot]

Retracted

[caverdan]

An older couple are sitting in church. The wife leans over to her husband and said " Oh honey Im so embarassed I just let out a silent gas what should I do?"

Her husband said back " YOU SHOULD CHANGE THE BATTERY IN YOUR HEARING AID!"

[caverdan]

Should I Sell The Boat ?
Saturday morning I got up early,dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped out quietly into the garage to hook my boat up to the truck.I backed out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage,turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back to get warm and whispered,"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 yrs. replied,"Can you believe my stupid husband is fishing in that chit?"

I STILL DON'T KNOW IF SHE WAS JUST JOKING !!!

[cantthinkofausername]

caverdan, are u from kalispell, MT? i recognize a lot of ur jokes from the weekly joke papers there. I must say, they're hillarious.

[caverdan]

Originally Posted by cantthinkofausername

caverdan, are u from kalispell, MT? i recognize a lot of ur jokes from the weekly joke papers there. I must say, they're hillarious.

Sorry, I'm a native of Colorado Springs......a town no one should ever want to move to. I steal all my jokes........fair and square........from other discussion boards on the internet.

[arkriverrat]

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

[deepstroke]

Oh, as long as we're stealing jokes, here's one I heard from Neil Hamburger recently: Why did Heath Ledger call Mary Kate Olsen as he lay dying in his bed?.............................................. ...................................Well, he needed advice on how to throw up all of those pills he had just eaten.

[caverdan]

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?".

The pigmy said "Yes."

The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

Said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked: "Really........How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied: "Oh, there's about 60 of us."

[caverdan]

~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

~ Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.

~ A backward poet writes inverse.

~ In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

~ If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

~ With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

~ You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

~ He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

~ A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

~ He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

~ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~ Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

~ An optometrist fell into a grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

[arkriverrat]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."