OT - Joke Wars

[rwhyman]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

" 1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[caverdan]

Caverdan ,what do tree and nursery dudes just cut up jokes all day ,you know more than most bartenders

.

Unfortunatly.........I'm not a good joke teller in person and have had more than one person tell me not to quit my day job. In fact.......I've never really written any of these jokes.........but I do have some favorite sites I steal them from. What is life.....but a joke.

[caverdan]

Here are a few one liners I wish I had the talent to tell and write.


How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.


What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[rwhyman]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

[arkriverrat]

Heared this on this weekend while on my split... chuckled for a few...
What is the difference between a Vacum and a snowboarder?
-How you atatch the dirt bag-

[arkriverrat]

How do you slow down a prostitute?

Put a governor on her!

[bamackc]

ok im new here and i love BS threads

me and arkriverrat (no offence guy ur just the last one to post)where driveing down the road and we see a goat with his head stuck in a fence

so pull over on the side of the road,get out of the car and start to screw the goat

i then look over at arkriverrat and ask him if he wants in on it

arkriverrat then goes and sticks his head in the fence

[arkriverrat]

Nice, Bama, now I gotta getcha back, just fun though.

So three midgets are sitting around and feeling sorry for themselves, because they just haven't ammounted to much, and want to make their mark in this world in someway. As they are sitting around, one of them stumbles uppon the Guiness Book of World Records and as he is flipping through it he proclaims to his friends "I've found it! I know how I will make my mark on the world! No one can possibly have hands as small as me, I'm gonna get in the GBoWR for having the smallest hands!" One of his buddies says "Gimmie that", and looking through it also gets excited, "And I'll get in for the smallest feet! I always thought they were embarassing, but now they'll give me fame!" The third midget also got excited at this point, though he was still a little more cautious. "I bet I could get in for the smallest dick, finally some good would come out of it!" So off they went to the GBoWR office in NYC, all excited that they were finally going to make their mark on the world. They got to the waiting room where they assess your specialty to get into the book. The first one went into the room, and came out 10 minutes later "WooHoo! I'm in the GBoWR, I've got the smallest hands of any full grown man alive! WooHoo!" The second midget went in and 12 minutes later came out "YEah Haw! I'm in the GBoWR! I've got the smallest feet of any full grown man alive! Then the final midget went into the room, and 10 minutes passed... then 15 minutes passed as his friends waited patiently outside... then all of a sudden the door kicked open, and the third midget came flying out mad as hell, though a chair through a window and yelled "WHO THE FUCK IS BAMACKC!!!"

[BastrdSonOfElvis]

Mitch Hedberg:

I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.

I like escalators because an escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still..get up there.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

[caverdan]

What do you get when you cross peanut Butter with a Cat ?









Pussy that sticks to the roof of your Mouth