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Old 12-23-2007   #141
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C. Springs, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,443
The Angel Atop The Christmas Tree:

Many folks wonder how it came to pass that on many Christmas trees the little angel has replaced the star on the top of the tree. This story will give you a new insight to the root cause of this change.

Many years ago Santa was at the very end of his rope. He was just a few weeks away from Christmas and he was way behind in all of his preparations. One morning he woke up later than usual and realized that he failed to set his alarm clock. He looked over and found Mrs. Claus still sleeping beside him. Santa shook his dear wife and asked her why she wasn’t up fixing his breakfast. She replied” Hey fatso, I’m sleeping in today!”

Santa got out of bed and went to the closet for one of his Santa suits and found there was none hanging in his closet. Mrs. Claus told him to dig one out of the dirty close hamper and just make do. Santa stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen, where he burned his toast and scalded his tongue on his hot chocolate. Just as he was cooling his mouth down one of his elves burst into the kitchen screaming,” The Reindeer broke out of their pen!” Santa immediately ran out of the backdoor and slipped and fell into a huge pile of reindeer poo mixed with mud. After rounding up the reindeer Santa went back up stairs for a shower, but to his dismay there was no hot water.
After his cold shower he put on the next cleanest Santa suit and headed off to the workshop. Upon entering the workshop he found all of his elves sitting around munching on cookies and drinking hot chocolate. He was so upset he couldn’t speak, when finally one elf came up to him and told Santa that they had formed a union, he was the union steward, and they were on one of their many coffee breaks.

It was just about this time when the little angel came into the workshop dragging a tree and asked,” Santa, where do you want me to put this?”

Merry Christmas!

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Old 12-25-2007   #142
Fort Collins, Colorado
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 3
So I guy has to take a use the bathroom and runs into the bar and starts chatting with the bartender. He asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender starts giving him directions. Go up the stairs and take a left then a right. The patron having to go so bad says screw it and runs up the stairs to find it himself. He runs around for a bit before finding a whole in the floor with a roll of toliet paper next to it. Decides this is the place and drops his pants and procededs to do his business. He finishes up and procedes downstairs to find all the chairs and tables overturned. He walks up to the bartender and asks what happened. The bartender says I guess you weren't here when the shit hit the fan.

A guy walks into the bar with a cat and an ostrich. Walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink a rum and coke. The ostrich says ill have the same thing and the car says ill have the same but im not paying. the bartender tells him that will be 5.57 and the guy pulls out exactly 5.57 and puts it on the bar. The group finishes their drinks and the gentleman orders another and tells the bartender hell have a martini. The ostrich says hell have the same and the cat says he'll have the same but im not paying. The bartender says that will be 9.93 and the patron pulls out exactly 9.93 and puts it on the bar. This contiues to go on and the bartedner becomes quite inquisitive. He ask the gentleman what the deal is? The gentleman says well I found a genie and asked to always have exact change. bartender still puzzled asks about the cat and the ostrich. The patron says well I also asked for a tall chick with a tight pus**.

Sorry if they dont make sense its hard to translate into complete paragraphs.

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Old 01-01-2008   #143
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C. Springs, Colorado
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Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has ever gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8.. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "O my God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
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Old 01-01-2008   #144
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C. Springs, Colorado
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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Volpe?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.
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Old 01-01-2008   #145
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C. Springs, Colorado
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Posts: 1,443
If Men Wrote Advice Columns

Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
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Old 01-02-2008   #146
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C. Springs, Colorado
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An Italian gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there,' Indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your Garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.
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Old 01-09-2008   #147
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Chicago, Illinois
Paddling Since: 04
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Guide to decoding womens's personals adds

Guide to decoding womens's personals adds.

Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic................................No breasts.
Average looking.....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathologica l liar.
Emotionally Secure..................On medication.
Free Spirit.................................Junkie.
Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
New-Age.........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional................. ....Bitch.
Voluptuous.......................Very fat.
Large frame......................Hugely fat.
Wants soul mate.................Stalker

"There's a strange sense of pleasure being beat to hell by a storm when you're on a ship that is not going to sink."
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Old 02-03-2008   #148
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C. Springs, Colorado
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A virile, middle aged Italian named Guido managed to catch the eye of a spectacular young blonde woman at his favorite bar in Rome. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After catching his breath, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were lengthy screams of passion. When it finally ended, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?' Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but pledging to himself that he was going to satisfy this woman, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back and gasped 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'.
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Old 02-03-2008   #149
Denver, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1995
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,239
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?....Cunsuelo.

hope thats not racist

Caverdan ,what do tree and nursery dudes just cut up jokes all day ,you know more than most bartenders.
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Old 02-03-2008   #150
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Unincorporated Douglas County, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 961
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, " You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have possibly tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said " Well, you know what, you are absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause your ugly!"

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