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Old 11-29-2007   #131
caspermike's Avatar
Bozeman, Montana
Paddling Since: 1999
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Posts: 5,507
Little johnny

little johny is average boy just turning 14

one day he walks in on his parents having sex. his dad winks at him. leaving the room shocked, he returns to his room. later that night dad comes to talk to him about it and says its all good.

the next day little johnys dad comes home to see how jonhy is. he hears something in his bedroom. he opens the door and little jonhy says

"It's not so funny when its your mom huh"

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Old 11-29-2007   #132
caspermike's Avatar
Bozeman, Montana
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Posts: 5,507
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After
all the background checks,
> interviews and testing were done there were 3
finalists - Two men and a
> woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took
one of the men to a large
> metal door and handed him a gun.
> "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the
> circumstances. Inside the room you will find
your wife sifting in a
> Kill Her!!!" 'The man said, "You can't be
serious, I could never shoot my
> wife." The agent said 'Then you're not the
right man for this job. Take
> wife and go home."
> The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went
> into the room. All was quiet for about 5
minutes. The man came out with
> tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill
my wife." The agent said,
> don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to
> kill her husband. She took the gun and went
into the room. Shots were
> one after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls.
> After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there
> the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with
> blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the ! chair."

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Old 12-05-2007   #133
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C. Springs, Colorado
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Q. how do you make a venetian blind?

A. poke him in the eye!
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Old 12-05-2007   #134
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C. Springs, Colorado
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Three bird hunters were hunting in the field when they came across an old abandoned mine shaft 6 feet wide and straight down. It was pitch black inside, so they decided to throw a rock in and listen for it to hit bottom to determine the depth. The first hunter dropped a lime size rock in and they all stopped to listen. Nothing. The second hunter looks around and finds a football size rock and drops it in. They all stop and listen again. Nothing. They spread out looking for something bigger to throw in. The third hunter finds a railroad tie, drags it to the edge, and drops it in. They all stop to listen. Just then a goat comes running out of the bushes and jumps straight into the mine shaft. The hunters cant believe what they just saw. A moment later the ranch owner comes riding up on his horse and ask's "Has anyone seen my goat?". The first hunter say's "The weirdest thing just happened! A goat came hauling arse out of the bushes and jumped straight into that mine shaft!" The rancher said "That couldnt have been my goat. My goat was tethered to a railroad tie".
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Old 12-06-2007   #135
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C. Springs, Colorado
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How Adam got Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
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Old 12-08-2007   #136
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C. Springs, Colorado
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Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women:
> #10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
> #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the
> road.
> #8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let
> you try it out a few times.
> #7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
> #6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
> #5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
> #4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
> #3. A gun doesn't ask,"Do these new grips make me look fat?"
> #2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
> And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
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Old 12-08-2007   #137
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.
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Old 12-13-2007   #138
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Unincorporated Douglas County, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 961
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"
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Old 12-15-2007   #139
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C. Springs, Colorado
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before going into the house; I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL, wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'WHO'S HORNY??!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!"
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Old 12-19-2007   #140
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What does a can of copenhagen and a woman have in common?

You use two fingers if it's yours and three if it's your buddy's


"There's a strange sense of pleasure being beat to hell by a storm when you're on a ship that is not going to sink."
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