A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke. And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican! Opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The
blonde's wife said, Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
Jimmy grew up a quiet kid in a small town in Iowa with out much to do. Having three older brothers constantly beating him up, he took up wrestling as a sport, and excelled at it, being the local champ in junior high, and the state champ in high school. Being close to his roots, Jimmy went to college at Iowa state, and there he also excelled at wrestilng. Jimmy's coach was a slave driver, pushing Jimmy to be the best that he could be, and as a Freshman Jimmy was undefeated, and landed himself a spot int the NCAA's. Once there with the support of his coach, Jimmy took down his oponents one by one. They all fell under his masterfull tecnique. Finally, Jimmy found himself up against an oponnent who was well above even his own masterfull skill level, in a match that would crown him the best wrestler in the country. His coach who had guided him through thick and thin, had seen his oponenets skill, and having gained affection for his young apprentice, was nervous as the day of the match approached. "Jimmy", He said, "Igor is amazing and he out weighs you. He gets a hold of his opponents and wraps there bodies into a pretzel. He has not lost a match in 10 years and I fear that he will do the same to you. Please take my advice and just avoid him in the ring, his last oponent is now unable to walk." Jimmy understood what his coach was telling him, and he decided to heed his advice, so as he got in the ring, he did everything he could to avoid his oponent. Athe first round ended, Jimmy was still on his feet. "Bless you child, you are doing great" his coach told him as the round ended, "keep it up and you will live to wrestle another day!" The second round ended and Jimmy was still on his feet. "You are blessed my child!" Jimmy's coach proclaimed, as Jimmy was still intact. The third round began, and the coach watched anxiously as Jimmy did everything he could to avoid Igor's advances. Finally, Igor got a hold of Jimmy, and the coach looked away, unable to watch as Jimmy's body was malitiously tied up in a knot. Then, hearing the Referie call the match, the coach looked into the ring expecting the worst, and saw Jimmy triumphantly pinning Igor to the ground!!! The celebration was unrivalled, and late that evening Coach pulled Jimmy asside and said "Jimmy, I saw Igor grab you, and start to wrap you up and I looked away in horror. After I heared the Ref call the match I looked back and saw you pinning him to the ground, how did you manage to do it?" Jimmy looked his coach in the eye and said "You were right, that Igor is a strong, mean, son of a bitch, and he got a hold of me, and wrapped me up like a pretzel... I had never experienced so much pain. While wrapped up and thinking that it could get no worse, I managed to open my eyes, and saw nuts right in front of my face. Unable to do anything else, I strained my neck got them in my mouth, and bit down with all of my strength. Imediately, I was able to take control and overcome his grasp of steel... you don't know your own strength until you bite your own nuts!!!"
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog, Schatzi, and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Duh!! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO. I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I'd lost 50 lbs. before I'd awakened in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes bugged out of her head. I went on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two everytime you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story, particularly the tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no, I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls, when a car hit me.
Barber doing community service
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist is
pleased and leaves
the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank
you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Republican is very happy and
leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card
and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business'
and Becoming More Successful.'
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Democrat is very happy and
leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking
accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska
State Troopers.
"We're sorry, Mr. Brown, but we have some information
about your wife,"
said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Mr. Brown shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and
some really great
news. W hich do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Brown said, "Give me
the bad news
first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but
this morning we
found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Mr. Brown. Swallowing hard, he
asked, "What's
the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had
15
twenty-five-pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness
crabs clinging
to her."
Stunned, Mr. Brown demanded, "If that's the good news,
what's the great
news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again
tomorrow.
or how about the two irish men that walked out of a bar...
it could happen.
or the three blondes who walked into a bar...
literally.
Funny things that clients say...
Two weeks ago I had a Northwestern Grad in my boat. We were floating the upper Platte and jumped several ducks that this guy didn't recognize. I would say merganzers or wigeons or pintails... whatever they were. We then jumped a flock of canadian geese and this grad asked me what kind of ducks those were. He was cereal (serious for those who don't watch SP). That probably topped my season of stupid questions. I told him they were mallards.
I'm not a homo-phobe nor am I making fun of gays. If this offends you then my apologies.
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