A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar, looking rather lonely. He sat down next to her and offered to buy her a drink. Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I scr*w anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n*ked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives Bubba a blan k check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing."
"You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at
his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?" "What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
__________________
Rusty
"There's a strange sense of pleasure being beat to hell by a storm when you're on a ship that is not going to sink."
A class of kindergartners was trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO baby talk!" "You need to use 'Big People' words," She was always reminding them.
She asked Alec what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people 'words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Chris what he had done "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Chris thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the S-H-I-T!"
Bill and Hillary Clinton and George Bush are captured by terrorists
and told they will be executed by a firing squad at dawn the next morning.
Just as the sun is rising the next day, Bill Clinton is placed against the
wall. Just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, “Earthquake”!
The firing squad falls into a panic, Bill jumps over the
wall and escapes in the confusion.
Hillary is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is
reassembled and Hillary ponders what Bill has done. Before
the order to shoot is given, Hillary yells, “Tornado”!
Again the squad falls apart and she slips over the wall, thus making her
escape.
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall.
He thinks, 'I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop
over the wall. As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles
raised in his direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells, “Fire”!
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect
from such simple creatures? Your last name stays
put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take
care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You
can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can
wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mec hanics tell
you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never
have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding
dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at
your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood
all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You
know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires
only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he
or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three
pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost
never have strap problems in public. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your
face stays its original color. The same hairstyle
lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and
one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You
can wear shorts no matter how your legs look You can
'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out
to the fields with you and when you're in the mood,
fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's
signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any
field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day, when Homer came back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was
in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and
Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place,
make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US
Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for
controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true
methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had
a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the
male castrated and let loose again and the population would be
controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's
Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers
thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back
and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those
coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.
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