OT - Joke Wars

[COUNT]

I like the one sheep one.

I wish I could claim this but I found it somewhere in world-wide web:

>I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone
>rang.
> ME: Hello.
>AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T .
> ME: Is this AT&T.?
>AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ..
> ME: This is AT&T.?
>AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....
> ME: Is this AT&T.?
>T&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr.Byron, please.?
> ME: May I ask who is calling.?
>AT&T: This is AT&T.
> ME: Ok, hold on.
>At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
>surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad.
>Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still
>waiting.
> ME: Hello.?
>AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron.?
> ME: May I ask who is calling, please.?
>AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
> ME: This is AT&T.?
>AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
> ME: The phone company.?
>AT&T: Yes, sir.
> ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
>AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
> ME: I already have a phone.
>AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to
>offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a
>year.
> ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
>AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir,
>that's right! 24 hours a day!
> ME: 7 days a week.?
>AT&T: That's right.
> ME: 365 days a year.?
>AT&T: Yes, sir.
> ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
>AT&T: We think so!
> ME: That's quite a sum of money!
>AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
> ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
>at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual
>check, can I get a cash advance.?
>AT&T: Excuse me..?
> ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
>AT&T: What are you talking about.?
>ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a
>week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and
>$52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making
>payments.
>AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents
>a minute.
> ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me
>10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some
>kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme.? I've read about things like
>this in the Enquirer, you know.
>AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...
> ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please.?
>AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
> ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor.!
>AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold. At this point, I begin trying to
>finish my dinner. SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron.?
> ME: Yeah.?
>SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
>minute program.
> ME: Is This A T & T.?
>SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
> ME: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so
>that I
>could sign up for the plan.
>SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was
>helping you.
> ME: Thank you.. I was on hold once again and managed a few more
>mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an
>aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
>AT&T: Hello, Mr.. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing
>up for our plan.?
> ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family"
>thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little
>brother...
> AT&T: click........

[caverdan]

Here is one for the ladies...........




After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. ... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know.
I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from apart of you.

Now let's see, where did I put the useless boob?"

[rwhyman]

Gotta Love Women
>
>
>
>
> A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
> said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your
> affairs in order.
>
> The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
> waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
>
> Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
> when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well.
> I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
>
> After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
> were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
> some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
> were celebrating.
>
> The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I
> have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave the woman their
> condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.
>
> After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
> "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
> your friends you were dying of AIDS."
>
> The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your
> father after I'm gone."

[Oopps]

One bloke goes to see his mate, all excited. "You know that new gas station around the corner? Well, they have this special deal. You guess a number between 1 and 10 and if you get it right, they take you around back and give you a free fuck!" His mate is incredulous "No way, that can't be right!" To which the first bloke replies "No, my wife won three times last week!"

A kayaker and a raft guide were walking down a road and see a sheep stuck in a fence. The kayaker says "I wish that was a beautiful woman stuck there" and the raft guide replies "I wish it was dark"

Why did god create woman?.....Beacuse sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Whitewater difficulty:
Class I: If you swim, you just get back in your boat ... and your friends all laugh at you.
Class II: If you swim, you grab your boat and paddle, swim to shore
... and your friends all laugh at you.
Class III: If you swim, you get bruised a little, your friends gather up your boat and paddle
... and they all laugh at you.
Class IV: If you swim, you get the cr*p beaten out of you; it takes your friends awhile to find
your boat and paddle... and then they all laugh at you.
Class V: If you swim, your paddle is never seen again, one of your friends gets to keep your
boat, another keeps your significant other, they split your life insurance, and at the memorial service
... they all laugh at you.

[El Flaco]

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."

[caverdan]

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing -hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it!

They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

[fruitengine_hannah]

HEY!!! that's totally hilarious.. literally, i fell down on my chair...
_________
Cheap kids ATVs -"The best kind of FUN"

[rklein]

Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a
motorcycle. They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask
him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the truck as he is
carrying
20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit
in the back with their bike will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the
back of the truck so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his
way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The
good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
jokingly-- "Mexican eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a
look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He
gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many.officers
as
possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so
many
officers.

"I've got a truck with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it - 2 have hatched
and the bastards have managed to steal a motorcycle already."

[rklein]

The owner of a golf course in Amarillo was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." (You gotta love those West Texas women.)

[caverdan]

Ron was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it And found a brand new bathroom scale.