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Old 10-18-2006   #1
Vail, Colorado
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 334
Chuck Norris Quotes Anyone?

Ok, bored as crap at work on hump day. I have heard only a couple of Chuck Norris quotes/sayings, which are sh%t a$$ funny and I want to hear more. Here is one:

I once saw Chuck Norris slam a revolving door.

Now you try. SteveZ

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Old 10-18-2006   #2
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Wheat Ridge, Colorado
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Chuck Norris doesn't own a stove, toaster oven or a microwave... Because revenge is a dish that's best served cold.

Nothing in the world is more yielding and gentle than water. Yet it has no equal for conquering the resistant and tough. The flexible can overcome the unbending; the soft can overcome the hard. - Lao Tse
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Old 10-18-2006   #3
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Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries.
"The world would be a better place if everyone kayaked."-Brad Ludden (Valhalla)
"You only get one chance to run a drop blind."-DD
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Old 10-18-2006   #4
Denver, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1994
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Some facts about Chuck Norris that we all should have known already:

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

3. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

4. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

5. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

6. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

7. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

8. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

9. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

10. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

11. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

12. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

13. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F***ing."

14. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

15. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

16. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

17. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and
Chuck Norris.

18. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

19. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral $ex, KFC and Tequila.

20. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

21. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

22. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

23. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.

24. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

25. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.

26. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

27. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

28. Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

29. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

30. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's
Chuck Norris!" Then she had had $ex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

31. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass, at night.

32. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

33. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up
with lactose's $hit.

34. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

35. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
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Old 10-18-2006   #5
Vail, Colorado
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 334
WOW CGM!!! I guess you wanted to get all the glory yourself and close this thread to discussion. Funny sh%t!!!
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Old 10-18-2006   #6
Join Date: Sep 2005
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When Chuck Norris jumps into water he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
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Old 10-18-2006   #7
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Mr. Norris

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
salvation is in the mind, be mindful at all times
J. Kerouac
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Old 11-11-2006   #8
Join Date: Nov 2006
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Re: Chuck Norris Quotes Anyone?

Originally Posted by Steve Zizzou
Ok, bored as crap at work on hump day. I have heard only a couple of Chuck Norris quotes/sayings, which are sh%t a$$ funny and I want to hear more. Here is one:

I once saw Chuck Norris slam a revolving door.

Now you try. SteveZ
Chuck Norris does NOT play god, GOD plays Chuck Norris
Go Colts!!!
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Old 11-11-2006   #9
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Thought-criminal, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2000
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Posts: 989
Superman wears Chuck Norris pjs to bed.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

Chuck Norris neads a conceal carry permit to put is hands in his pockets.

On the first day God said "let there be light." Chuck Norris said "say please."

Some men have relations with sheep. Chuck Norris fucks Kodiak bears.

Chuck Norris once ate a 100oz steak in 60 minutes. The kicker is, 58 of those minutes were spent banging the waitress.

Chuck Norris doesn't need an airbag -- his stearing wheel and windshield know better.

Extraterrestrials are not here to observe you..they're watching Chuck Norris.

Jesus died for your sins because his brother Chuck Norris can't be killed.

The passenger pidgeon went extinct shortly after one of them was dumb enough to shit on Chuck Norris.

They say the #1 killer of people is heart disease. They're wrong. The #1 killer of everything is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' penis is so large it is actually black.

Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag somebody..he potato sacks 'em.

Chuck Norris has to pull out or he'll blow a load like a shotgun right out the girl's back.

One of Chuck Norris' sperm holds the world record for the freestyle.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot. -Jack Handy
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Old 11-11-2006   #10
e-town, Colorado
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The best: chuck norris's penis is so big, it has its own penis and that one is still bigger than your's!

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