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Old 10-23-2008   #1
Golden, Colorado
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,012
An approriate election joke

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sur e what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..

Today you voted.'

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Old 10-24-2008   #2
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Durango, Colorado
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That's pretty damned funny!

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Old 10-24-2008   #3
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Durango, Colorado
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Palin Retail Stimulus Package

Offering a sharp contrast to the general gloom on Wall Street today, retail stocks soared on the news that Gov. Sarah Palin (R-Alaska) plans to buy a new outfit for Election Night.

Major retailers had been plummeting all day but staged a stunning comeback when Gov. Palin told a reporter in Ohio, "Election Night is just eleven days away and I have nothing to wear."

Gov. Palin said that a new dress for Election Night could cost as much as $20,000, "and that's before you accessorize."

Major department stores such as Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue rebounded dramatically on the news of Gov. Palin's plans, with some industry analysts predicting that Gov. Palin's shopping could bail out the entire retail sector in the fourth quarter.

"Right now, the only part of the economy that's strong is Sarah Palin's shopping," said Tracy Klugian of Morgan Stanley. "She is a one-woman stimulus package."

Elsewhere, former Fed Chief Alan Greenspan gave this testimony to Congress today: "To those millions of Americans who have lost their jobs, their homes, and their life savings, let me offer a heartfelt 'oopsy.'"
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site,
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Old 10-24-2008   #4
Denver, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1995
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,239
Why don't you bend over at American Furniture Warehouse ....

because Jake Jabs>>

What do Peter Peelgrane and Janet Elway have in common?

they both went down on Horsetooth

just some local Colorado jokes :um i guess Jake jabs in other states too especially" right to work" states

I hope Jake Jabs is found mauled by lion cubs on a nougahyde {sp} three piece sectional with a banjo up his culo

computer wiz"s <how do you unlock the caps lock for numbers and punctuation marks?

no offense to the pEELGRANES
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Old 10-24-2008   #5
TakemetotheRiver's Avatar
Durango, Colorado
Paddling Since: 05
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Posts: 1,477
Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California , and
we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the
other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii , Oregon ,
Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and
all of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Nancy Pelosi. You get Sarah Palin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. Y ou get WalMart.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and
entrepreneurs. You get Alabama .

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the
red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than
the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy
families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from
Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your

They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their
deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show
pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn
up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of
80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90
percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the
nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines
(you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of
all cheese, 90percent of the high tech industry, most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their
projected health care costs), 92 percent of all
U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90
percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University
of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red state s believe
Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe
life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or
gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53
percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of
you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals
than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have
that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .


Blue States
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Old 10-24-2008   #6
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The High Ground, Colorado
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Originally Posted by TakemetotheRiver View Post
Dear Red States...
Dear Blue States:

Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.

We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)

But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you--just the Blue parts.

We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually "blue." Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country—which, come to think of it, many of the "Blue" counties pretty much are—we’d think it was fraud and send some election observers from the UN.

So, the bottom line is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.

But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.

Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison.

You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can’t pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives.

(And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We're putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)

We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.

Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they don't call it "the breadbasket" for nothin'. We’ll keep right on producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef, chicken and pork.

We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.

And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties.

Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain’t it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest.

Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.

Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.

That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.

You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen.

Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget to wear your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol' trigger finger.

In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of course--the proud showplaces they are today.

We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England--and even there, we’ll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.

If you would please, take another look at the list of best beaches and notice what color states they are in. We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we'll be fine.

Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.

So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack heads, and corruption you can stand.

And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.

We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.

And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. It's much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.

Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.)

Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.

But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We’ll be busy that day.


The Red States

PS: You can keep the marijuana. You're going to need it, since selling it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.
"Let us cross the river to the other side and rest beneath the shade of the trees." ~ Last words of Thomas Jonathan ''Stonewall' Jackson
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Old 10-24-2008   #7
Durango, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1996
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 16
[QUOTE=Theophilus;117711]Dear Blue States:

Theo, since you've led the way to gross generalizations and stupid assumptions, let's continue with some more:

"Republicans are people too, mean, selfish, greedy people."

"Don't act stupid. We have Republicans for that."

"Two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant and a big fat white guy that is threatened by change."

"The religious right; hating you from the start."

"A Republican politician usually serves two terms; one in office and one in jail."

I'm willing to bet that these get your blood up, judging by some of your other posts. Logic, honesty and fairness are a lot more persuasive then hateful rants based on ridiculous stereotypes. At least Takemetotheriver's amusing little joke is based on actually demographic data, unlike yours which, as mentioned above, is full of spite and animosity. Way to spread the hate.
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Old 10-24-2008   #8
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Eastern Slope, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1980
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Posts: 2,403
This is great! We have a genuine baby seal hugging Durango hippie rooting for "New California" and a brainwashed gunpowder farmer from Florrisant spouting racist heartland supremacy.

Here's what I vote for:
A big ass fence around Wyoming so we can generate our own energy, save our own money wisely, keep a reasonable balance between the left and the right, have fun outside, and shoot hippies, Texans, New Yorkers, rednecks, and anyone else who tries to get in. We won't rename it though, no need to. Our military will be our people and our food will be our antelope and sugar beets. There's plenty.

We're a red state with a blue governor and things are going great. You guys can keep the rest!
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Old 10-24-2008   #9
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Old 10-24-2008   #10
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conifer, Colorado
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 937
Originally Posted by Theophilus View Post
Dear Blue States:

Theo, since you've led the way to gross generalizations and stupid assumptions, let's continue with some more:

"Republicans are people too, mean, selfish, greedy people."

"Don't act stupid. We have Republicans for that."

"Two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant and a big fat white guy that is threatened by change."

"The religious right; hating you from the start."

"A Republican politician usually serves two terms; one in office and one in jail."

I'm willing to bet that these get your blood up, judging by some of your other posts. Logic, honesty and fairness are a lot more persuasive then hateful rants based on ridiculous stereotypes. At least Takemetotheriver's amusing little joke is based on actually demographic data, unlike yours which, as mentioned above, is full of spite and animosity. Way to spread the hate.

Like river hoe wasn't stereotypying at all. Theo was only responding but logically. Theo, i have to give it to you, that was beautifu.

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