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Old 11-30-2005   #11
gapers's Avatar
Not a river guide, Ft. FunK
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 276
How dare these Fools try and sully my good screenname.

Heliodrus-you're hopeless. So i'll give you some rules to live by.

Rule #1 Dont ever say (aloud) that your from Texas by way of California or vice versa for that matter. You may as well tuck your bluejeans into your rented boots and poke me in the eyes with your fucking skis over your shoulder.

Rule #2 Dont ever tuck your pants into your rental boots and poke me in the fuckin eyes!

Rule #3 Mind the gap

Rule #4 Don't ever pay full price for lift tickets.

Rule#5 Dont buy pieces of shit from Sniagrab

Rule#6 Dont do your big mtn ski turns on the goddamn catwalk.

Rule#7 Dont slap your goddamn board on the ground while standing in a lift line to get the snow off of it!!??

Rule#8 Dont straightline pow. Matter of fact, dont touch that shit, thems is mine.

Rule#9 Newby, come see me personally for a private consultation.

Rule#10 Dont ever let me catch you with a F'n jester hat on!!!!

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Old 11-30-2005   #12
ski/kayak bum
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 460
dayglow is cool.

I can tell gapers by four additional criteria

#1 any group that arrives in buses marked with an out of state school/church name on the side

#2 generally their equipment has found its way to being scattered throughout a batch of trees by a local.

#3 anyone who can't identify or takes offense to the "strange odor" that seems to be coming from the chair in front of them.

#4 multiple lift tickets flapping in the wind from the same person.

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Old 11-30-2005   #13
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 18
Helio - a few other things to help you identify and stay AWAY from other Gapers...

Anyone with an "earband" (the women with ear bands are easier to identify, as they'll have sprayed bangs sprouting out and over the top)

Anyone who looks like they're going to prom directly from skiing ie full makeup and big jewelry

The use of non-mountain issued radios.
Example: You're standing in the lift line and Chuck from Texass starts talking to his wife Rita, via a little yellow and black "walkie talkie", three rows back about how he "got air" on a jump on this really "steep" blue that seemed way more like a "black" and it sounds like surround sound because they're so close to eachother.

Anyone who wants the "bar down" and then starts to panic half way up the mountain about "raising it up" in time to "unload"

Any person that complains on the way up about how much they hate the snow that given day, and that the groomed runs aren't very "groomed" (this would be due to falling snow and powder, but don't try to explain, because the don't know what that is)

Anyone with fur of anykind, fake or real, attached to any part of their ski gear.

Anyone who ski's from one side of the run to the complete other (especially in moguls) and looks like they might just shoot of into the trees before making a very tenitive turn back the other way

Anyone who acts confused when you jump in from the singles line, like they're not sure what you're doing or why you're about to ride up with them. Extra note of caution: do not tell said people you're from Colorado, they'll ask you the worst kind of questions the rest of the way, best to pretend you speak French and look away.

Anyone who asks at what altitude "do the deer turn into Elk?", just punch these people in the face and consider it community service

Good luck.
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Old 11-30-2005   #14
Boulder, Colorado
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 33
A tip for summertime identification:

Anyone lounging in the middle of the river on a swimming pool raft tied off to a tree who asks if you just paddle back up to your car when you're done.
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Old 11-30-2005   #15
ACC's Avatar
dropzone, Colorado
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 845
you know you are a gaper if...

anyone who looks at your skis and says "wow those are awfully big skis, do they actually work for the whole mountain or just in the powder?"

Or anyone who points to the nearest freeheeler and says "gee, look at that person cross country skiing down the mountain."
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Old 11-30-2005   #16
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 21
#4 multiple lift tickets flapping in the wind from the same person.
Ah, I see you are familiar with the Gaper Rolodex
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Old 11-30-2005   #17
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 748
here are more summertime gaper questions to ask your raft guide these work best if you are from a church group who won't tip.

Can you make the rapids easier/harder?

We don't have to paddle when we get in the rapids do we?

Do we take out where we put in? or even better Does the river go in a circle?

and my all time favorite besides the aforementioned deer into elk question
stand next to your guide by a flowing river in colorado in June and ask:
Which way are we gonna go?
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Old 12-01-2005   #18
ski/kayak bum
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 460
my favorite thread in the history of the buzz.......just like redneck jokes only funnier.....

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Old 12-01-2005   #19
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 58
I think I first heard the word gaper in the early 90's.. of course I could barely read then. How old is the word? Help me out if you've got old b's.

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Old 12-01-2005   #20
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 178
"where do they store all these moguls in the summer?"

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