Growing up in Wyoming there is a level of misogyny that pretty much unfathomable. People use the "like a girl" as an insult so naturally I tried to adapt by fitting in. I never felt like I was a boy or girl growing up just a child which is hard to explain those feelings to somebody who is cissexual. My first memories of actual dysphoria are pretty powerful moments that I repeated from pre-k till puberty. I would psychically invert my genitalia. I never thought anything of it really, I thought it was "normal". Growing up I would play house, make crafts, watch the gender bender version of Peter Pan with the woman playing Peter and than make my self a Peter Pan costume and pretend i was her. I liked pretty woman and have always been closer to the woman that have been in my life. Kindergarten till junior high my best friend was this girl named lindee. First grade I would play with the girls hair and make flower bracelets. Lots of swing set monkey bars and hop scotch for this kid. Always liked getting super high on swing so is go over horizontal and get to fall a bit
makes you feel alive you know. I've never felt alive till recently. I think having Raigan and witnessing that miracle has brought my own feelings to a spot in my life where I couldn't ignore them anymore. That and my gender dysphoria started visible appearing beyond what I could hide anymore. Junior high was a pretty miserable experience for me. I was called faggot a lot. I never understood why because I love woman! And it always hurt me. I started chewing my nails unstoppable alot till the point they would bleed. I quite looking in the mirror by 8th grade. And would just try to get through my day and than everything would be better once I got to the swim pool. I had lots of friends on the swim team and dopamine sure feels good after working out for 2 hours. I'd go home my mom would ask how my day was is never let anything show I'd just say good. High school I did say fuck it for a while being at the swim pool for most of the day and a few classes wasn't to terrible. I did have a few different groups of people who thought it as fun to pick on me call me faggot some more... Had same gf throughout high school she was cheerleader, I actually did a season of cheerleading my senior year good at tossing them in the air. I was visibly not cissexual bleach blonde hair liberty spikes with pink highlights. If you could only see lol! I also worked out in a woman's swimsuit pretty much my entire senior year.. I always thought I was straight because I have a penis and I like woman that was the extent of my gender recognition and that if you weren't that you were gay. Pretty simple mind set, enormously ignorant but it's mostly because the society I grew up in shamed the shit out of femininity because for some reason they lump it as weakness when woman face more objectification everyday than a dude deals with in a year. It's a natural predator prey cycle and that's why true feminists are important not the pseudo feminists. But that's for another time. I never learned what trans gender was till 20's and before than I thought all the stuff I had seem of transsexuals was fake! That and transphobia is very real in our society(84 Americas got talent guy singing about woman with penis and everybody laughing, silence of lambs, Plus the other movies that portray us as freaks.) That's a hard one to chock down that you are a transsexual not because you want to but because you are. It's not like I went down a list of stuff I'd like to possible be in life and pick the label transsexual. It's just applied to me because I feel like I'm a woman inside. I feel like even through a life of male socialization and testosterone poisoning somehow my soul and what's inside is unbreakable from femininity. Some people believe femininity is artificial well what am I? I can't help it so lets start at the melt down.
Here's the last picture I took it's was two days after my 28 birthday while on the kayaking trip this spring. Visibly distressed. By this point in my life I had been "crossdressing" since 14. Thats what I thought I was doing anyways. I didn't know what crossdressing really was which does entail some sort of sexual pleasure from it. I was sleeping in night gowns doing my makeup hair on occasion when I had time to be alone. Growing up I just wore a XL shirt to bed. So it was basically a dress for a child. Ignorant of what was happening in my life I was in true denial with trying to deal with my desires. I tossed all my "girl" stuff away multiple times trying to get rid of my dysphoria and id hit the water hard because it made me feel alive.. Id get a shit ton of anxiety and depression and id end up chewing my nails off waiting for the next fix. Basically a junkie I always promised to stay off hard drugs because my uncle od from heroin. My mother thinks he had stuff going in similar to what I have going on. In my family there are others and the specialist I'm seeing thinks it's genetic.totally makes since because I have never felt different as a person just better when I'm not playing a roll as a boy. It was difficult for me to accept it all because of the transmisogyny, transphobia, as well as my own religion. I've been in the denial stage for several years while still being in the dysphoria stage. 2 years ago I started looking into hormones but I wanted a kid was I could so that at that time so I psychically stated to kneed my chest in hopes I would grow breasts.. I read an article about the polock army or something growing breasts on one side from to many hits to the chest with the rifle stock. And it does work
. This was all before I realized I was gonna have a baby. I was hoping for a boy a
Originally and totally against the idea of having a princess like angry. Which isn't good.. Denial was fierce for me because of the ego is very powerful to beat sometimes. I tossed my things again and than after my daughter was born something triggered for sure and I was happy just didn't feel full you know. I started doing butt workouts to try and fill my hips a little more. Still wasnt looking in the mirror and I was looking pretty homeless this last year. One day I smacked my face on the ground while snowboarding and cut my nose pretty good; I was really pissed at my self for doing some stupid trick and now I gotta live with this scare on the bridge of my nose. My anxiety was getting really bad. Was smoking 2 ounces month to myself. To ease some of the depression and anxiety. I'd look at things while I was at work like makeup tips and transitioning videos. Went on the kayaking trip didn't even know it was my birthday during the trip till day after. Don't get me wrong I had a great time it's just something was missing. It's hard to explain. But easiest way for me to explain what oppression can do to somebody is an analogy. Just because you are at the ocean and on a boat doesn't mean it's always a cheerful experience. How so, ask a slave who's being oppressed if the sunset looks the same before freedom to after freedom. My personal oppression and feelings of shame guilt have been mountains to overcome. But the world seems brighter today than yesterday and far brighter than what I was looking at 2..3 months ago. I will get back into kayaking. I still want to run metlako and I love the box. I just have to take care of some expenses and honestly I've been running myself ragged dealing with this so I'm enjoying peace for the first time in my life. You know that feeling at the bottom of a rapid!! I'm happy to not constantly live in the feeling above a rapid. Just enjoying life right now and learning to love me and let it unfold like a flower. That is my main priority next to raising my daughter Raigan. I will be back just need some time!
As for how do I know. Well I know just like you know or she knows or he knows. Is the soldier that fights in battle and loses his manhood not a man? That's a powerful question we need to ask ourselves. I started plucking my eyebrows uncontrollably after work the last day of the season. It was bad I couldn't help it I didn't want to see a male in the mirror. No other way to explain it just feels entirely wrong. Started living as a woman end of April I'd go out and I couldn't help it anymore it was uncontrollable and I was still fighting it but I just could to help it and this is where my depression got really bad and I was thinking about how I would end it. A lot to face with all the people I care so much about that I would live my life by their expectations or what I thought they were.. Seeing how it wasn't going away and I couldn't end my life I started therapy and she reassured me I want insane which is nice. I have started lazer hair removal on my beard
and that makes me happy so been out of the water last two weeks letting my face heal. Back again in 8 weeks and I'm aiming to start hormones hopefully before winter.. Only way to get rid of the dysphoria is to fix the problem which is physical for me. got through a lot of the tough mental stuff these last few years and def these last few months.
So that's my life through a crack in the nutshell. Lots more happened in regards to my dysphoria but that's some of the basic stuff.