I was a liberal-lovin', peace, love and rock-n-roll hippy once... then one day as I was sitting on the couch, which had mirrors on the sides for cocaine use, I began to smell that distinct liberal odor that was eminating from my grungy hair and clothes. With tears in my eyes and I had to battle through an overwhelming stench of BO and patchouli oil to come to my realization that the only hippies left were the ones trying to steal my wallet in the parking lot of a Phish show. "Damn, I am such a loser. Look at me. I just sit around all day, doing nothing while getting high and blaming the republican, religous right for my problems in life." Yep, it wasn't me who was to blame for my inadequcies... it was the god damned republicans.
"Why do I stink so bad?" I thought to myself, "and what is this black shit under my finger nails?" Then the answer struck me with the weight of a moving Mack semi... or it could have been that Meals on Wheels truck I stunk like a two-dollar whore who hadn't doushed in a couple months because I hadn't showered in two weeks and the smell of booze and that picture of Howard Dean I had ate for enlightenment was oozing out of my skin. Not only that, but that black shit under my finger nails turned out to be the remnants of the all that resin I scraped out of my bong the night before in my futile attempt to get high. Afterall, I was poor and I did vote for Al Gore... so I guess I was a liberal, drug-using, anti-conforming, Volvo-drivin', lefty who wasn't in it for the MONEY but more for the DRUGS. Yep, you heard me, I was in it to use (re-use and re-use again... oh that resin is so good) drugs and force the federal government and all of you righteous, righty, tighty-whiteee wearin', W-lovin', conservatives to pay for my extended stay at the state-mandated and federally funded drug treatment center, otherwise know as prison.
I didn't like who I had become... this liberal light. I told myself that I was going to beat the inner-hippy out of me, even if it meant watching 100 straight hours of non-stop Bill O'Reilly TV while in bed next to Michael Jackson at one of his sleep-overs while sipping a glass of wine and watching pornography. That would have to be better than being a democrat-lovin', flag-burning, ACLU card-holdin', Phish-listenin' liberal... right? So for the next couple of years I attended Bob Jones University, the Catholic Church, watched Fox News and began to see the true conservative light at the end of Pat Buchanon's nose. Life wasn't about using drugs everyday and leaching off society at the cost of all us hard-working republicans. NO, what it was really about was SELLING the drugs to the fixed-income elderly and drug-addicted youth at exubarently high prices so the right-wing medmans and his chronies can play a couple extra rounds of golf this week and bitch about how the poor suck so bad as they smoke $100 Cuban cigars and dream about having sex with their mom.
Oh my Sean Hannity!!!
I had found the answer I had been looking for along... and I didn't have to go much further than Larimer County and Marilyn Musgrave to do it. DAMN RIGHT those gays shouldn't be allowed to marry!!!
Once I was a republican, I knew for a fact that I worked harder than any of those welfare-using vermen, or people who make less than $30,000 a year, therefore I could rightly afford my $100 cigars and $200 rounds of golf while children starved on the streets of downtown Denver, begging for some change to get a Happy Meal. "Blame their parents," I would say to... well anybody next me. "If their parents weren't off using drugs and having gay butt sex under a bridge somewhere then these kids would be in school right now... learning about God." Yep, I would troll the streets of Denver in my luxury car telling anyone who would listen that I am studying a 600-page book right now and that makes me better than you, so back off and don't even try and tell me what the color of shit is, because I am a republican damn it, and if anybody knows what color shit is, it's ME!
That was my life until I began to read this thread... oh my, my, my. Now, after listening to all of you talk about GDPs, econometrics, 80-hour work weeks and which has the larger economy, Germany or the crabs on my roommate's ballsack, I have to say that anyone who takes any of this seriously is the real, without a doubt, schmuck. Politics and this thread aren't meant to be taken seriously... that's what we elect (or don't elect.... hhummm, Florida, 2000) politicians for to do our dirty work for us. Take it all in good fun or get out!! That's my two cents... and yes, I am also the result of a sexual act.