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Old 08-25-2005   #41
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 6
Well hell COUNT and PaddleBiz, I detect a tid bit of animosity comin forth and attack'n my southrn roots. What the hell is wrong with Texans? Now I knows what the hells wrong the Okies but why is people gotta pick on the Texas folk. After all it seems my kin folk from down there is supportin well over 1/2 this state. Be it in rafts or showin y'all hotdogers up on the slopes. To this day I have never seen anyone with near the dedication and devotion to the ski wedge that is held up by the fine upstand'n fellers from the lonestar state. I know somes of them bastards thats been holdn on to that style for over 10 years. And when all that damn snow is melted and they put them bumps away for the summer, hell yeah..... all them damn bastards love that dern whitewater raft'n. As a matter of fact there's a class FIVE club you can get into in Dallas, you just need to show um yur reciept or a photo of you doin the Royal Gorge.

Now ToddG must know whare Ima comin from. He know them Okies is nothin but trouble. Todd also know his people from that damn Saudi Aurora. Nothin good comes form over there. I imagine if them rafting companies put some metal detectors on the touron buses they might weed a few of them out too.

Yous right Livinston, we can all just get along, all ya need to do is get one them squirter boats like I got me. When there is to many of them damn rubber floatillas around you jus go down and hold yur breath as long as you can and them BAMMM you come up under one them hypaloons and grab one of them fine lookin southern bells and have a time with her. Dont worry none about the guide, he probably already had her at lunch time. Now Livinston, I can tell you right now, a fine piece of southern ass is much better than any goat I ever had. You aught try it sometime, turn off FOX news and leave them goats alone. Next time you swim class II do with one or two uf them hotties

Now as far as them craziass tubers go. Hell yeah.... I dont see how them bastard fit in those tubes. Their balls gotta be the size of monster truck tires. I'd share an eddy with any one of them, if they could make their way into it. They is a hoot to watch get beat'n ta hell; toughfr'n nails though.

Riverwrangler, I think you have one of two options:
Option 1-Back off the Wild Turkey and stop snackin on them babies or
Option 2-Keep the Wild Turkey flowin, jump in one them rafts and start enjoyin some Southern Comforts as well. Them hotties it'll make you ferget all about bouncing off that rubber and you better hope you didnt forget to bring you a rubber or two.
I would go with option two if I was you.

Bastard of Elvis, hell YEAH... how the heck you doin? I was wunder why the damn Christo been calln me beggn for the velvet son elvis I had done. You musta dun her right!!! Hell I m downright proud of ya. Way to GIT-R-DONE.

Just remember all.....theres more than one way to GIT-R-Done!!!!

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Old 08-25-2005   #42
Spits Hot Fire
N. Cascades, Washington
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 978
Ahight, it's been awhile since i hit ya'll up with some linkage. This thread reminds me of the Flamer Roster. Scroll thru and see which one you are:


Totally applies to this forum.

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Old 08-26-2005   #43
BastrdSonOfElvis's Avatar
Thought-criminal, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2000
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 989
That was some funny shit..I wonder..which one am I?

Oh yes...Perv. Just what ARE you wearing, anyway?
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot. -Jack Handy
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Old 08-26-2005   #44
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 168
Aborted ones are the best. I like to think about pissed off conservatives while munching.
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Old 08-26-2005   #45
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 26
I am filled with self-loathing as I am both a ungrateful beer-mooching trash-boating kayaker as well as a unforgiving river-clogging shit-hauling rafter. I can't stand to be around myself. I only find solice during the orgies with the hot chicks on my raft when the scum kayakers are out of sight.
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Old 08-26-2005   #46
BastrdSonOfElvis's Avatar
Thought-criminal, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2000
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 989
Just remember...any time you're getting it on with a hottie you are stirring kayker milk.

Too far?
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot. -Jack Handy
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Old 08-26-2005   #47
El Flaco's Avatar
Golden, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1984
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,879
The difference between a raft guide and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

I had to get mine in.....
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Old 08-26-2005   #48
Andy H.'s Avatar
Wheat Ridge, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1995
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 2,911
Reminds me of a joke I heard many years ago about ski instructors (modified out of deference to some long-time instructors I know):

What do you get when a whore becomes a (first year) ski instructor?

A fuckin' know-it-all
Nothing in the world is more yielding and gentle than water. Yet it has no equal for conquering the resistant and tough. The flexible can overcome the unbending; the soft can overcome the hard. - Lao Tse
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Old 08-26-2005   #49
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by COUNT
I HATE STUPID PEOPLE! I give everyone shit because that's what makes it fun. But I still like the rafters who carry my gear and anyone who's completely and totally committed to whatever they do. I don't care what craft you're in, I like you as long as you're not an idiot, unless you're from Texas (hot girls exempt).
You ass. I like rafters in texas because the raft can hold 6 people and there are only 3, then you can tie your boat up give them your shit drink all thier beer and sleep in thier raft, between the endless miles of texas "whitewater". By the way I like tubers, they try to go down rapids and eat it like cake, they lose all their beer in the hole, the kayaker ferries over to the hole, knocks the beer into the eddy by doing a couple of spins, goes to the eddy and collects the beer and deposists it in the cockpit. Simple but effective way to get free beer!
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Old 08-29-2005   #50
Front Range, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 274

I can spot a SOUTHERN PHONY any day of the week! Hell, you make my job EASY: there wasn't one "y'all" or even so much as a single mention of NASCAR anywhere in your post!

Kudos on allusions to velvet Elvises, monster truck tires, and Southern Comfort..... Definite point deductions for encouraging one to tune out FOX news (c'mon, what *true* suthuhn'ah offers up THAT kind of schwag advice?? ), and for failing a) to utter the phrase "UN-American" even once, b) passing on an opportunity to link all that is good and holy back to the (so-called) "accomplishments" of one George W. Bush, or c) blaming everything on us commiesatanisthomosexualtreehuggingterroristfemina ziabortionistantigunantifamilytroophating liberals!!!

Next time, my friend.....
next time...


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