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Old 03-24-2012   #1
Denver, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2004
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 3,097
Latest snowpack report from NOAA!

NOAA Headquarters
March 24, 2012

In its latest March summary on the current state of the snowpack in Colorado, NOAA officials issued a dire warning... "We're fucked", said Chief Meterologist, Dick Stomper. "While statewide snowpack is hovering at around 70% of average this time of year, snowpack stoke is running about 14% of average, and stoke is 2% of last year. Its going to be a major bummer of a year."

Local Paddling shops report that sales of gear are way down, and that boaters are spending their gear savings on Prozac instead. A Poudre raft guide who refused to give his name, but had a wild look in his eye, tight hot pants, and a striking PFD tan already in March, lamented, "I've blown all $27 I saved up over the winter on Prozac, and there's no Pro-Form for Prozac".

Local legend kayaker, Tom Jankey, was concerned, "My minimum for clear creek is 1000, and its looking like I won't be able to paddle at all this season. My sponsors and fans want to see video of me paddling impossible drops on huge water, not breaking my boat on rocks. Luckily for me, they are still happy looking at pics of me with my shirt off at the takeout".

There was one bright spot in the report. Harbor Freight reported that sales of plastic welders are up 1137%. "We've never seen anything like it", said store manager Bud D. Chump. "We have sold our all our stock, and the factories in China can't keep up with demand, despite bringing in 10 yr old Mongolian workers by the bus load".

State water managers are concerned as well. "We are in a piss trickle situation", said state water manager Harry Dam. "At this rate, we won't even have enough water to supply the sprinklers for the rich assholes with acres of grass".

The local medical marijuana industry is bracing for the worst as well. "My super stank dank needs plenty of water", one unnammed local grower said while shaking his head. "If we don't have water to paddle, and we don't have our green either... its going to be chaos out there. I'm building a bunker to survive the riots, and to escape the surveillance that the CIA has been deploying to spy on me."

Traffic at is down as well. "Normally we would have huge arguements about what the best cooler is around this time" said mountainbuzz admin, Randy Horny. "If there is no water, you don't need a cooler, you keep your beer in the fridge. At least kayakers can't steal it there though". Local kayakers disagreed, noting that they are hatching plans to steal rafters beer out of their fridges by hacking into the mountainbuzz database to steal secret rafting codes and addresses.

The one group that seems unaffected are the Tubers. "We are pretty clueless", said local tubing club president Bobby Turdy. "Tubers really don't understand water, and snowpack numbers don't really impact us because 107% of use can't read, and 4000% percent of us don't understand math either."

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Old 03-24-2012   #2
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,302
Ha! Well played. So true. "We're fucked," pretty much sums it up.

Kyle McCutchen
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Old 03-24-2012   #3
tj@cu's Avatar
Boulder, Colorado
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 983
Should read "but not as fucked as cali". well played Mr. Foley
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Old 03-24-2012   #4
caspermike's Avatar
Bozeman, Montana
Paddling Since: 1999
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 5,507
Luckily you boys hav a short drive north. Be stoked to get some new runs with you cutch you won't hav a choice unless you don't want to kayak.. And janney I know a couple pockets you can practice your swims in
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Old 03-24-2012   #5
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Golden, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1984
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,879
Looks like I picked the the wrong week to quit SUP.
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Old 03-25-2012   #6
Miller Time's Avatar
Golden, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 288
Nothing like a dismal ski season to prepare you for a dismal paddling year.

Might be a good year for a trip to South America to lighten the depression factor.

"Frontier Airlines sees 362% increased ticket sales for passengers with over-sized surf boards"
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
-Winston Churchill-
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Old 03-25-2012   #7
caspermike's Avatar
Bozeman, Montana
Paddling Since: 1999
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 5,507
Yeah go south good idea! Ahaah more for us..
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Old 03-25-2012   #8
Denver, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1999
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 855
Do you work for The Onion? Good stuff! Thanks for the laugh. And, I agree with Cutch and Chief Meterologist, Dick Stomper... "We're fucked." Memories of the 2002 river season have begun to haunt my dreams. I picked a good year to take summer school classes, and live closer to Baileys.
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Old 03-25-2012   #9
Denver, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2004
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 3,097
The new SUP = shitty ultra-low paddling.

I love the onion! I definitely look at the world through an onion lens.

Bailey should have decent season though.

I was holding out hope until the two weeks of may weather in march totally shafted us.

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