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Old 04-16-2008   #1
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 273
His wife said NO MORE CLASS V

Every kayaker goes through something called "The Annual" This is a fight/brawl/argument/seperation that occurs with your significant other when the snow starts melting, and the rivers start running. Why? Because they are about to become "Kayak Widows" not that we actually die, but we are a bit dead to them. In a women's mind: "He likes sleeping in the dirt, with a bunch of dudes in the stupid forest....BETTER than my boobs". If you've kayaked long enough and have a women, you know what I'm talking about. Some annuals are short, some are violent, some are frequent. Basically they vary from year to year. My friend just had his and it is one of the worst I've ever heard. He will remain nameless to protect his pride.

His wife banned him from boating class V. Can you believe that shit, the nerve of females these days. Ok, the guy is getting old, I think he's like 33 now. Definitely going bald, and does have a kid. But come on lady, class V is the only thing the guy has left to make him cool. Without that he is just another Real Estate agent in Fort Collins named JJ. Lame! So Lame!

I would get divorced over something like that personally, (Maija, if you read this I'm not kidding).

Not to mention the guy is a great boater, I did see him get chundered in Ginger with a mustache, but that's besides the point.

Right now he is a good guy, drives a truck. Take away class V and he's going to sell the truck and by a Mini Cooper because his "play boat" fits, and he'll will probably start hanging out with that loser Joe Keck. Is that what you want lady? I don't think so!

Did any of you other "older" boaters have the class V kibosh put on by your lady? How common is this epidemic?

In closing:

Gentleman be strong, when you feel THE ANNUAL coming, just go boating before she can actually start arguing about it. RUN. It is imperative that you have your gear on ready alert, potentially hidden in the trucks of your friends. I've found it works the best if my friends are already waiting at my house to go boating before I get home. Strength in numbers, and "most" women won't scream or cry in public, too much.

Here's a couple researched and tested techniques to help you out.

When you come home this Friday and telling your woman that your going out to Escalante this weekend, has slipped yer mind.. be strong. Tell her that your friend is terminally ill in Grand Junction and you are going to a fundraiser at the local church, for the weekend. If that doesn't work go to the only place where you know she won't bother you, go and take a dump. Call your friends who already have your gear, and have them do a drive by. Sneak out the window and send her a text, it works every time.

Good Luck and Be Safe Out There!

hey diddle diddle...
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Old 04-16-2008   #2
JCKeck1's Avatar
Seattle, Washington
Paddling Since: 1999
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,471
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Hey Lotsa, wanna carpool to Esca this weekend? I'll call ya.

Oh, also I must agree entirely with your post. I've had several complete separations due to the hyper-addictive "gnar" - there's no choice involved, I'm going kayaking. I think some guide book even wrote about the phenomena. I did hear about this one guy that could kayak with his lady friend - lucky bastard.

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Old 04-16-2008   #3
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 498
Yall need to date hotter women I guess. Or learn to communicate better. Cuz yano with all the advancements in boats and saftey. Big South, Obj are just IV+. sj
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Old 04-16-2008   #4
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 273


a little rapid called "Double Trouble" on the big south reads the buzz. good luck on that run on this year. Maybe you should try it at high water....

the river gods are always listening and you are going to get it pal.
hey diddle diddle...
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Old 04-16-2008   #5
Arkansas during the off-season Nomadic during the summers! :), Arkansas & Colorado
Paddling Since: 2006
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 945
That is a funny post!! Well I guess its funny since I'm not married and don't have to ask permission Anyway finding a good girl is probably the best option. I have a roommate who starts packing the gear before I can finish saying "were hitting the river." AND she turned down a managers position at her job and is debating on quitting for the summer to have more time avaliable on the river kayaking and camping.
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Old 04-16-2008   #6
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Eagle, Colorado
Paddling Since: 1994
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 696
Awe, I hear that AW has re-rated a lot of rivers in CO.

Narrows... 3+
Upper narrows...4
Joe wright 4
Big south 4+
Escalante 4

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Old 04-16-2008   #7
Buena Vista, Colorado
Paddling Since: 2005
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 27
Girls get it too...

Hah, this is a funny post. I have been trying to get my man to run Escalante with me all luck yet! So yeah, whether your a man or a woman, it is much easier if your "partner" loves kayaking to the same extent that you do.
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Old 04-16-2008   #8
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Technology Partner, Littleton, Colorado
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 642
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Now my wife has two of us two worry about

She complains we bug her and gives Henry and I money for gas and food and tells us to go paddle. Then she complains we go too often. Then she complains she never gets to go with us anywhere. Then she complains she is too tired to go with us anywhere. Then she complains we're not being safe. Then when she does go with us, she has a big swim and Henry and I feel avenged and rewarded.

Who said there isn't a God?
And the Lord said, let there be whitewater. So on Friday, the 13th day of the month....
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Old 04-16-2008   #9
T ride, Colorado
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 58
I like sleeping in the dirt

Some people just like dirt... Water washes it off... Too bad it doesn't do much for that funny smell in my dry top... If someone could find a way to make that smell have a phermonal response we'd all be in the clear.
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Old 04-16-2008   #10
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185 lb. waste of space, Keeping Glenwood Springs real
Paddling Since: 1864
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 917
I think that trying to find a good gal that isn't going to care if you go boating everyday is like puttin a band-aid on a bullet hole. You are slowly going to bleed to death. The real solution is to go to the gym for 10 minutes on a friday night. Do five minutes of bench press and five minutes of sculpting those biceps. Then head on down to the BARmuda Triangle and let those swollen pecks and flesh cannons ( a nickname also given to the lower extremity) do their work. Start at the Rio and practice your SBC boatin skills by trying to escape the cougars, or if you have some catnip bag and tag one. Then head to the Steakout and try to find yourself a little filly that can appreciate a cool Easy Street on a midsummer night. If that doesn't work head next door and bust out the patchouli and see if you can get one with more pit hair then you do. (For those boaters that do have a perma-drytop smell about them I suggest you go hear first and don't waste your time).
The next morning you skip out to hit up the Big S and leave before they wake up. I usually have my good friend and roommate Paul the Kayaker give them a ride home. Unless he joins in (not kayaking), then we play Hunter, Bear, Ninja for who gives the ride. See, you never have to hear any bitching and you get all the benefits of marriage.

P.S. I have never had to resort to this but if you fail at the triangle you can head over to Tony's and probably do well.

970-217-21 six six
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